This Is What It Feels Like
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: Andy comes home from Dakota to find Sam gone & never coming back. But life is misleading, so how will she find the truth when it surfaces? & who is her guardian angel? AU- Sam & Andy.
1. Chapter 1

**Andy left for Dakota and when she came home Sam wasn't waiting for her because he couldn't. And there was no chance that he was ever coming back. Months down the line, Andy runs into repeated trouble, but her guardian angel seems to always save her, how will she find the truth when it surfaces? **

_**Chapter 1-**_

_**Prologue- Somewhere in the future.**_

The grass was crisp in death where snow patches had melted, as soft footsteps made their way over the scarce greenery that rested in a place so silent that only birds and crickets dared to disturb the tranquility. There was no rustle of a trees leaves overhead, but in the quiet it was imagined. Only the soft sound of the footsteps were audible to those that listened.

No matter how many times that this trip was made, it never felt any different, never changed.

It was a regular journey taken, one made to pay respects over birthdays, and perhaps christmas as it neared. But mostly this remembrance was made as a way to accept the truth.

But, even after months it still wasn't making any sense. And it never got easier.

The sadness that came with doing this was also something that never went away, in fact that feeling loomed overhead on happy days, work day, off days, basically just everyday. Even in other places. It wasn't just confined to this place, it was taken with wherever she went.

But this wasn't done to inflict self-punishment or some other kind of morbid feeling, it was done to share, done to say sorry and mostly done because it was driven so fiercely by a need to be here that it couldn't be avoided.

The footfalls stopped when they came to the desired headstone, sad eyes tearing up as one knee met the ground still littered under a blanket of soft snow and a hand extended to lay one single rose on the grass that ran around the edge of the stone where it met the dark soil of the earth.

The hand retracted, it's movements still shaky as it was every time that the same action was repeated. It was something that would probably never go away, not even over years and years.

"I still miss you" the words were whispered out on a pained note, pure emotion embedded so deeply in those few words that they even hurt to say. The guilt over last nights actions were there too, regret running alongside it so thickly it would probably be visible to the naked eye.

Moments like these, made it felt like it was just yesterday that the headstone had been a real person, a warm smile, deep dark eyes. Now this was all that remained, all that was left.

A hole had replaced the once warm organ that was filled with love, it was merely a rotting orb of emptiness now that the numbness had subsided. But that tended to happen when you had your heart ripped out and shredded in a way that no-one should ever have to endure.

"I'm going away for a while".

This time the voice drew out a little softer, the person saying the words not really wanting to admit that it would be a while before they paid another visit. The first christmas like this would be missed.

But it was what was going to happen, how things were going to be for a while because it was a choice made.

"But I'll come visit when I can..." The words started out as a sentence, then failed to finish and trailed off into a soft whimper as eyes misted over and one single tear streaked its way down a warm cheek.

Strange how that worked- tears felt warmer than skin in the coldness of winter even though they were induced by a feeling so cold it made you feel dead inside.

A hand brushed away the tear, the wetness not even felt as it met the skin of the hand that splattered it into nothingness.

Sinking the other knee down so that both were on the snow, a sudden silence encased the warm body as the sky clouded over into more gray and a light breeze whispered its touch against the bare skin of a sad face.

There was no rush to leave, nowhere else to be right now. Contentment to just sit here and be was shrouded in an unequivocal calmness as existing in the moment flourished and held on.

Why was it always so hard to say goodbye?

Why did it feel like it had to be done in no haste, that a measurable amount of time should be spent here, like this?

By the time the last of the meager afternoon sun began disappearing, it was time for the final goodbye.

Andy stood up and brushed the few pieces of wet dirt that clung to her jeans off before taking a long breath and looking at the tombstone one last time before making the goodbye official.

"See you 'round Sam".

Her hand brushed gently over the name chiseled into the stone like her fingertips were memorizing them, before she stepped back and began walking away as a fresh wave of emotion broke free and the tears that she had been holding back finally spilled.

She didn't need to remember the name, it was one she would never forget.

Sam Swarek.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. Without

**Hello again, and welcome to my world. **

**A/N:Some things will only answered in later chapters, so hope you enjoy the suspense! **

**Thank you all for the amazing response to this! Let's see where it goes... **

**Thanks as always to the awesome regulars & kelly2727. **

**Chapter 2- Without You. **

Grabbing the phone her fingers dialed the only number that her brain could think of right now. Even though her hand was shaking from the adrenaline, her fingers managed to dial the number before she held the phone against her ear and waited for it to ring and her call to be answered

_'This number has been disconnected, please consult your telephone directory or the operator...'. _

What?

Why was Sam's number disconnected?

Andy hung up the call and dialed the only other number that she could think of right now and was more than a little relieved when Traci answered.

They were in big trouble right now and needed help, so it didn't really matter who answered her call. As long as someone did.

After rambling on Andy heard Traci say "I know, we got a tip, we're outside".

Andy felt relief sweep through her that they were minutes away from being out of a situation that turned sour in a matter a minutes, a situation that Andy really thought was about to be what ended her life. One that had made her life flash in front of her eyes while she begged to live huddled on her knees.

If she had been alone, she would have lost it, but she wasn't alone. Nick was with her every step of the way, and it was the only reason that she was still in one piece, the only reason that she was still sane. Although she was pretty mad at him right now, he still had her back. He helped her get away and now he was keeping her company while they were hiding.

Traci had swept her up in a huge hug and given her more than a once over when they were found, she had missed Traci more than she even thought possible. She'd only been gone six months but it felt like she hadn't seen her in a lifetime.

Once outside, Andy scanned the faces looking for one in particular, the only other person besides Traci that she was hoping to see as soon as she was out of here.

But that face was missing, Oliver was there, as were new faces mixed in between Dov's and Gail's, but she never saw Sam.

Oliver looked away the second they made eye contact. It was weird, he'd never been cold to her in any way or form before, but the look he gave her now was one that was cold and empty. It was one that she didn't understand, one that felt like something was missing.

After doing what they had to on scene, they were ushered back to the barn, a long stretch of road put between them and six months of their lives based on lies and split personalities. That's what it was like when you were under, you felt like a different version of yourself became the one and only you that you allowed to be seen.

Arriving at the barn, Andy took a deep breath as they walked down the hallways. It felt so good to be home.

Nick followed, but for some reason Traci took a sudden detour to Frank's office as soon as they arrived. Andy stood watching them exchange words through Frank's office window while they seemed to have some kind of heated conversation before they both focused their attention on her.

Andy felt like they were looking directly at her, even though Nick was standing right next to her.

...

"We have to tell her, she's already looking for him". Traci said looking up to find Andy looking around the barn in search of Sam. She was trying to hide the fact that she was searching for him, but anyone with eyes cast her way would see the obvious.

But she wasn't going to find him here, no matter how much she searched, or how hard she looked.

Frank was set against the idea, well of doing it now anyway. They just got back from being under for six months, it wasn't the way he wanted anyone to come home from being under.

"And say what Nash? She just got back, do you really think that this isn't going to make her loose it?". Frank wanted them to wrap the cover op up first. That meant statements, briefings and all the long tedious things that came with coming home.

"What if she hears it from someone else first? She won't forgive any of us for that".

"How much do you want to tell her?" Frank asked weighing up their options here. They really didn't have all that many right now, doing the right thing was just that- the right thing to do. And besides, they owed McNally that much.

"Only that he's gone. I can't tell her the rest now, not if I want her to keep herself together". Traci said looking back out through the glass. She knew exactly what she was about to do to Andy, she'd been wearing the same shoes a while back, only her situation had been less complicated than Andy's was.

"And the rest?".

"When she's ready, I'll tell her all of it Frank. I can't lie to her, and I won't hide the truth, she'll know eventually".

Frank stood up and went to stand next to Nash looking out across the barn. He never thought that this day would come, that he would reward someone who had become such a beloved part of their family, in such a cruel way.

That was what made this job so hard, what killed a little piece of all of them everyday.

"Get Noelle and Shaw first". Frank whispered. "Make sure Collins stays put". Frank added before turning away from watching McNally.

He couldn't watch her eyes dance and a smile play out on her lips as she laughed at something Collins just said knowing that he was about to wipe that smile off her face and pull the rug out from under her feet. What they were about to do would go beyond breaking her heart.

"Where's Callaghan?".

"He left when he heard we were bringing them in". Traci said. It was better that Luke wasn't around right now, not if he valued his own life.

Frank nodded and sat back down with a sigh.

Life was about to be stopped for McNally, and it would get a whole lot worse before it even had hope of getting better.

Traci approached Nick and Andy cautiously, carefully schooling her features as best she could. "Andy, got a minute? Frank's looking for you".

Andy smiled before walking off towards Frank's office, Traci hanging back with Nick.

"You, stay right here" Traci said as soon as Andy was out of earshot. Then she just left him standing there a little confused and anxious.

A few minutes later Traci walked back passed him, Williams and Shaw hot on her heel as a solemn mood suddenly swept through the barn.

Every single pair of eyes seemed to follow the three sets of feet as they crossed the space to Frank's office, each one of them looking worse than the other.

Nick shook his head as he tried to wipe his worst fears away, something was very wrong. From their expressions, something was broken beyond repair.

Andy stood in front of Frank's desk waiting for him to say something, he hadn't said one word since she came in here.

Seconds later the door to his office opened and Traci walked in followed by Noelle and Oliver and Andy's heart just stopped.

Once Oliver closed the door Andy managed to pull her gaze from them, each of them were looking somewhere else, but not at her.

"Sit down Andy" Frank said, the use of her first name scaring her. Noelle was the only one that he ever called by their first name while on shift, other than that; it was by their surname. Always.

"I'm good Sir" Andy mumbled trying not to freak out.

Silence engulfed the room, no-one knowing what to say, or how to start saying anything.

"Andy, um, six weeks ago..." Traci started and failed when she choked up and broke eye contact with Andy.

"Six weeks ago, Sammy went on a drug sweep and he got hurt" Oliver picked up when Traci couldn't say anymore. It was as though he knew that it was his cue to take over.

"But he's okay right?". Andy's words flew out of her mouth as soon as Oliver's stopped.

"No sweetie, he..." Traci tried again, but again she couldn't.

Oliver stepped closer and stood in front of Andy before taking a deep breath.

"Andy McNally, it is with great regret that I have come here to inform you... that Sam Swarek was killed in the line of duty when he was shot on the job". Oliver tried to distance himself by going with saying something that was bluntly to the point, but also so far removed from his own feelings that he regretted saying it that way the instant that it left his mouth.

This went against everything he stood for, everything he believed in, and yet here he was doing it.

Andy stayed quiet, her mind soaking up Oliver's words as it tried to digest them.

"No" Andy stuttered out the single word, her voice the only sound in the room, her head tilting to the side the only movement in the room.

"Andy, I'm so sorry" Oliver said as he took another tiny step towards her. He could see the vigorous head shaking was meant as a form of denial as the motions took over.

"No". This time it came out really scared, and broken, a withheld sob echoing through the room following the word.

Andy sniffed, just once, while her arms crossed over her chest and she took a defensive stance. "No, Oliver...". Her head was still shaking and her tears made tracks down her cheeks.

"No!" This time she yelled the word out, tossing it at Oliver as if it was intended to hurt him.

Oliver took another step forwards, Andy suddenly just loosing it as he tried to wrap her up in a hug when she came undone.

"Where were you!" She wasn't asking him, she was making accusations, but he didn't blame her. Next thing he knew, she hit him.

He wouldn't say that it was unexpected, but the force was surprising. She was pretty strong for someone so small.

Her fists pounded his vest, his hands coming up to take hold of hers so that she wouldn't hurt herself. She wouldn't hurt him by hitting his vest.

"No". This time it was whimpered out as her hands settled down and she let him wrap her up in a hug as she finally just let he tears come freely.

When Andy had collected herself enough, she pulled away, her eyes red and swollen, her cheeks still wet.

"Let's take you home" Oliver said smoothing a hand over her hair. His heart was really breaking for her, but he too knew that she would endure more than her fair share of suffering before she would even see the road to forgiveness and healing.

Traci stepped up and took Andy into a warm embrace, she was crying too. She knew how hard it had been for her when Jerry died, it was just worse for Andy because she hadn't been here. She came home with hopes and dreams and they had just been shattered and stolen away.

Dov made his way over to Nick, his smile fading the second he saw Andy in Frank's office with Noelle, Traci and Oliver. He knew why she was in there.

"Glad you're back" Dov said by way of greeting as he and Nick shook hands and then did the whole man-hug thing.

"Know what that's about?". Nick asked straight away, he'd seen Dov's face fall when his eyes found all the occupants in Frank's office.

"Swarek got killed a couple weeks ago". Dov answered before looking away. The whole situation was something that wasn't really spoken about. And it wasn't because Fifteen lost two people in mere months of each other.

"What?". Nick's eyes snapped back to the glass, Andy a shambles on the other side. Nick could see her shaking her head and crying before Shaw wrapped her up in a hug even though she was hitting him forcefully.

"He got shot, didn't make it".

"Who's that?" A feminine voice piped up from behind them making them both spin around for Nick to find a new face in a uniform behind them.

"That's Andy. Andy McNally" Dov said with so much distaste that Nick just stared at him.

"So, she's back?". The female asked.

She sort of changed colors and her face became hard as she heard the name.

"And you don't go near her, you don't talk to her, you don't say anything to her, okay". Gail said stopping her meaningful stride passed them just behind the woman who's nametag read Cruz as her words came tumbling out fiercely.

Cruz spun around and held her hands up in surrender, apparently she thought that taking on Gail Peck was a really bad idea.

Nick looked between Gail who walked off ignoring him, Cruz who scattered away in the other direction and Dov who stood watching Andy.

"Did I miss something?".

"Nope" Dov said before departing too and leaving Nick to wonder what the hell was going on.

Seconds later, Frank's office door opened and Andy came walking out with Traci following right behind her. They slipped across the threshold one at a time, Andy moving towards the stairs first.

Nick saw her legs wobble and her steps falter just as she made it to the top of the stairs. Her hand shot out towards the banister, and it missed by miles, her hand grasping on to thin air as she fell forwards.

Nick moved forwards at the same time Traci did, but Andy's body was free-falling by then, as her legs gave way and tiny little silver stars clouded her vision.

...

Waking up in the ER had never been something she thought would happen to her.

Her head felt like it was splitting apart and her mouth was dry, her tongue sticking to her pallet as she tried to say something.

Her eyes had fluttered open, and she instantly knew where she was.

"Look who's back." Traci said when she noticed that Andy's eyes were open.

Nick smiled at her, but it did nothing to make her feel any better as memories tumbled back through her mind.

"Hey" Nick said moving away so that Traci could move in next to Andy.

"You okay?".

Andy nodded even though she was anything but okay.

"You're still such a bad liar" Traci said smoothing her hand over Andy's hair that hung over her pillow.

"What happened?".

She knew everything up to a certain point, remembered everything like it was happening right now, until there was just... Nothing?

"You blacked out and fell down Frank's stairs". Traci said as Andy moved a hand up to her forehead. The skin felt tight, so she wanted to feel what was going on. She felt the telltale signs of a band-aid as it clung to her head just below her hairline.

"You hit you're head and got seven stitches" Traci winced when Andy looked down at the IV running into her hand and began to panic.

"Hey, you're okay, you're just dehydrated and you went into shock..." Traci turned to Nick as she scowled out the first part. "They're letting you go home when your body's replaced the fluids, so we'll stay until then and take you home okay".

Andy let out a relieved sigh. She really just wanted to go home and crawl into her bed right now.

"Leo" Andy mumbled looking at the water Traci had in her hand. Traci held out the water and Andy sat up and took it.

"He's okay, he's with my mom".

Andy nodded before taking long sips of water from the bottle. Traci was always well prepared and had obviously got the water for her while she was still out of it.

"Will you stay?" Andy asked looking at Traci before she turned to Nick and tried to find a smile. "You, need to go".

"Andy..."

"I'm okay Nick, go find Gail?".

"No, I'll find her later, I..."

"Nick, please just go okay? Find Gail and fix it, you might not get a later". Andy whimpered the words out as she let emotion sweep over her. Nick nodded just once before leaving the room and the hospital.

Traci took Andy's open water bottle and set it down on the counter top of the bedside table next to her before turning to Andy and nudging her head to the side as she told Andy to move over.

Andy complied by shifting over and making space for Traci before rolling onto her side.

Traci kicked her shoes off and slid up onto the bed not really caring what the nurses or doctor would say once they saw the view behind the closed curtains.

Mirroring Andy's position Traci draped an arm over Andy and just held on while her friend cried.

She needed to cry, and she needed Traci here to comfort her while she faced a harsh reality that had most likely never crossed her mind.

"Try get some rest okay? I'll be here when you wake up, and its another hour or so before the IV is done and they let you go" Traci said squeezing Andy's hand.

Andy squeezed back and swiped away the last few stray tears before closing her eyes and trying to will her mind away to a happy place, a place made up of lame jokes and dimpled smiles.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	3. Loosing Yourself

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**Okay, hold on, here's more...**

**Chapter 3- Loosing Yourself. **

Five days later Frank started parade with his mind slightly scattered as he handed out pairings. The baby was sick, so he wasn't getting much sleep because he sat with her and made Noelle get some sleep. She needed it more because she had to be focused when she was on the streets, he was stuck in his office all day, so spending time with a grumpy baby was a blessing in disguise considering that he didn't see her much.

"Collins and McNally..." Frank looked around the room to find no sign of McNally at all. Nash shrugged when he looked her way, so did Collins, neither of them knew where she was, or why she wasn't here. He was supposed to welcome them back, try and make their return bearable, and now she was missing.

"Has anyone seen McNally?". Frank growled out, no-one responding. Everyone in the room seemed to be looking at the person next to them for answers.

Oliver walked up to Traci and held his hand out mumbling a soft "Keys" when she gave him her attention.

Traci arched an eyebrow and her head tilted to the side as she looked at him. "Trust me, I've got this okay" he whispered before she scrounged around in her pocket and handed them over. Oliver knew that she was the only person that had keys to McNally's and right now he needed those if he was going to get into her condo and actually have a shot at getting through to her.

He guessed that Nash had seen this coming too, if she had McNally's keys in her pocket and looked pretty much ready to go over there.

Since McNally had been back and was taken home from the ER she had been a ghost. She wasn't around the barn, but Frank let her take a few days. She wasn't at the Penny, and she wouldn't answer his calls or Nash's. Or even Collins' calls. She just totally cut herself off from the world, and he really thought that it was unhealthy, but he kept quiet until now. He was letting her grieve and get used to the idea of Sam being gone, and never coming back.

But now she was supposed to be returning to shift, and she wasn't there which really worried him. Oliver knew that Frank had called her and left her three voicemails telling her that she was back on rotation, and he knew that she had listened to them, but he also knew why she wasn't here.

Opening her door, Oliver called her name just so that she wouldn't get a fright when he suddenly appeared unexpectedly.

Her condo was dark, the slight races of a musty smell filling the air.

The curtains were drawn blocking out the sunlight, and the windows were closed trapping the smell inside. It wasn't a pungent smell, it just didn't emanate the summer sunshine and spring flowers that was McNally.

Oliver found her bedroom door closed and called her one last time before opening the door and stepping into the dark room.

Oliver let out a sigh when he saw the state of her bedroom. It was a little worse than he thought.

Okay, maybe it was a lot worse than he had been expecting, but he understood. Even rubbing his hand over his face wouldn't extinguish the sight.

Shaking his head Oliver walked over to the curtains and yanked them open, McNally stirring slightly as the sunlight hit her face and disturbed her state of sleep.

The light also gave him a view of the empty bottles that littered the floor next to her bed, as well as the night stand and the one she was still holding on to, sprawled out on her stomach.

"Go away" she mumbled and rolled over as soon as he stopped next to her bed and took the bottle out of her hand.

"No, so get up McNally, we need to talk".

"I need to sleep". She grumbled pulling her comforter over her head. She was clearly hungover.

"Get up, take a shower and then find me in the lounge okay". Oliver said and walked out of her bedroom closing the door behind him, loudly.

He needed a minute, needed a second to get himself together after seeing how deep McNally's cracks were.

Oliver went into the kitchen and threw a few half empty takeout containers into the trash before putting the kettle on and starting coffee, she was gonna need it.

Next he went around opening windows and curtains and letting fresh air and sunlight circulate through McNally's home.

When that was done, he went back to her bedroom and knocked before opening the door.

Her even breathing told him that she had gone back to sleep.

"McNally" he yelled, her head whipping up as she leered at him from under the corner of her pillow.

"Oliver, go away" she grumbled before settling back down.

Oliver walked over to her bed, and hoped that she had clothes on before he reached out, grabbed hold of her linen and pulled it off the bed until it was pooled in a heap at his feet.

"Shower, now. Or the shower comes to you" he said thankful that she was indeed wearing clothes under the bedding.

McNally huffed out a loud breath as she sat up and gave him a heated stare before she got up off the bed and headed for the bathroom, the door slamming behind her.

Oliver took a look around the room and wondered how it had gotten to this point, where everyone had been over the last five days if this was how she had let things go.

Minutes later Oliver was back in her bedroom, trashcan in hand as he scooped up the empty bottles and threw them out.

When Andy got out of the shower she felt a little better, although her head and stomach would not agree. They were arguing over their own stability.

Walking into her bedroom she found the bed made up, all the empty bottles gone and a steaming hot cup of coffee standing next to her bed.

It made her want to cry again.

That's all she had been doing since she came home, drink a little, cry a lot. Sleep a while, cry some more.

She hardly ate, and hardly slept really, she didn't answer her calls, or the door or even reply to the texts everyone had been sending her.

But she had read them, and listened to her voicemails. She just wasn't ready to face the world just yet.

And there was no way that she could go back to work today, not without...

She couldn't even say his name in her mind, it just really hurt too much. So she didn't.

Andy got dressed, and toweled her dripping hair a little so that it was dryer.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and went in search of Oliver.

Who had taken over her kitchen?

"Feeling better?". He wasn't even facing her when he spoke, his back was turned towards her but he somehow knew she was hovering behind him.

"Oliver...".

He faced her when she said his name, his hand held up before she could say anymore.

"First, you need to eat, then we're gonna go into the lounge okay? I'm gonna hang out here today, you know take some time. And maybe, later, we can talk".

His words made her smile, but it also scared her. What if he wanted to talk about things she couldn't handle right now? How would she do that?

Oliver turned his attention back to the stove and flipped McNally's omelet. She didn't have much in the fridge, but there was enough to make a mean omelet with, so it would do.

Nash must have been by and brought the few things he found in McNally's kitchen, because there was no way that McNally herself had even set foot outside the door in her condition.

He also had to give Nash credit.

She was a struggling single mom, who also supported her own mom on her small salary, but she had gone out and dipped into her budget by getting McNally a few items. He'd thank her for doing that, and then let her have it for letting McNally loose herself.

"Leo's been sick, she hasn't been here. Don't tell her?" McNally said in a hushed tone, like she was reading his mind.

Oliver nodded and set the omelet down in front of her as she tried to forge a smile that seemed so empty.

While she ate, he cleaned up the kitchen and made himself some coffee. His mind thought over Frank's words from when he made a call to him saying that he was out of commission for the rest of the day because McNally needed someone.

Frank didn't need to see her or the state of her condo to know how bad it was if Oliver pulled himself off shift to stay with her. His response had been a very observant "it's killing her" before he said he'd send someone to pick the cruiser up later.

When Andy was halfway through her omelet she pushed the plate aside and said a timid 'thank you' before slipping away to the lounge.

Oliver followed with another cup of coffee and some advil he found in the bathroom.

She took them with a shaky hand, her body not yet having let go of the shock it had received, or having absorbed the nutrients that now filled her system.

Oliver sat down across from her and ran a hand over his face. He was second guessing doing this, but it felt like he was meant too.

"I know this is hard okay, I know it's rough, but this is not you". He was going to ease his way in, start with something simple, but that had not been it. That was closing your eyes and jumping even when you didn't know where you were going to land.

"You have no idea Oliver". McNally said wearing a pained expression as she spoke.

"You know I got a divorce right?" He countered, McNally's expression revealing that she didn't know that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know". She looked down as her feet and legs tucked themselves in under her.

"It's okay, I know. I still love her, I miss her but it done, it's over. I tried, it didn't work, so is through".

Oliver took a breather, let his words sink in. It wasn't easy to say that to someone other than Sammy. He'd been the only one that Oliver had really ever spoken to about his divorce.

"But we have the girls, so it's never really going to be over in some ways. Everytime I look at one of them, I see her. Everytime I call and talk to them, I hear her voice".

McNally looked up at him, her lips pinching together as more sadness crept onto her face.

"It was the same for Sammy too".

Him saying that just made her eyes sparkle with tears, her mouth opening and closing without a single sound coming from her.

Then the head shaking started and she lost herself to the denial that seemed to be swallowing her whole.

"It wasn't the same for Sam". She eventually mumbled, her bottom lip shaking.

"How'd you figure that?". Oliver really had no idea why she would even think that, nevermind actually verbalize it.

"Sam didn't love me Oliver". Andy snorted the words out, like it left a bad taste in her mouth to say them. "He said he did, but he didn't".

"He actually said that...to you?". Okay, that was something Oliver did not know.

"Yup, the day I was holding the grenade, when he came in there, he said a lot of things, but he told me he loves me. I just don't think he did".

Oliver had been sitting forwards listening to McNally talk, now he leaned back in the single seater and thought about how to respond to that.

If she ever found out what happened when she left, she would never stop believing that Sam didn't love her.

"You're wrong Andy, Sam did love you".

Andy let out a dry laugh, it was one driven by sarcasm and one that felt good to let out.

"He missed you too. He tried not to, but he did. You were always on his mind, he was always wondering if you were okay".

"No, he wasn't. He let me go in the first place. He broke up with me before that anyway, so it was over. But... It didn't make me feel any different". Andy was trying to hold on to her tears, but she couldn't.

"Andy, Sam let you go under because he didn't want to stand in the way of you choosing your career. He turned Collins' spot down when he found out that you were taking the other spot because he wanted you to do it, he wanted you to make something of yourself. He didn't follow you because they would have taken your badge if he did. All Sammy wanted was for you to go be the best cop you can be".

"He knew?". McNally seemed really shocked now that she knew that piece of information.

"Do you really think that Sam didn't know what was going on in your life because he wasn't a part of it anymore?". Oliver's brows shot up. McNally really had no idea did she.

"But..."

Oliver waved his hand around in the air.

"Look Andy, it doesn't matter what you think right now okay, your emotions are all screwed up, and you're in a bad place. I just want you to remember one thing okay?". He gave pause to wait for her reaction. When she nodded, he continued.

"No matter what you hear, or what you find out, Sam still loved you. He always had. He regretted letting you go, because you were the only person besides Sarah, his sister, that ever meant that much to him okay. Sam let you go because he felt like he was holding you back, like you were making...". Andy opened her mouth to say something, but he waved her silent.

"He felt like he was holding you down. Like he was making you make the wrong decisions in life and I don't mean Jerry, I mean your career. The age difference was also a part of it, because you have your whole life in front of you, he wanted you to experience it, so he broke up with you, and broke your heart, but he broke himself too".

Oliver took a break, and a deep breath, he had no intention of telling her all of this, but once he started talking he couldn't stop.

"He tried to fix it, before you left but he didn't blame you for leaving when you did, he only blamed himself. He ... Sammy didn't think he was worth it you know, like you deserved better?".

Andy let out another whimper when she heard that, her tears resurfacing to full blown crying again.

"It wasn't one-sided, trust me. I know because Sam told me that it wasn't. He told me that he was sorry for everything that happened, and I think he told me so that one day, if this happened, you'd know".

Oliver kept quiet after that.

He really didn't have the heart to say anymore.

"Hey, let's go shopping" Oliver said flipping the mood to something almost comical as he slapped his hands down on his knees and stood up.

"Let's go McNally, before they come repo my ride".

Andy let a small smile sweep over her lips, it was hard not to when Oliver was putting so much effort into earning one.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	4. Facing Loneliness

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**Chapter 4- Facing Loneliness. **

That morning gave Andy a little bit of perspective, and a little bit of hope.

As Oliver dragged her through the grocery store her mind focused on how Oliver was now that he was divorced. Then Traci swept through her mind, how she was now a while after Jerry had died. How much stronger she had become leapt to mind.

They were both strong people, and made Andy want to be strong too, just to stop from making their already so miserable lives even more miserable.

When Oliver took her home, she made them lunch, even though it was kind of weird that he was here, but it didn't feel wrong.

They had spent hours talking, and even a few laughs had been heard sounding through the rooms.

By the time Oliver left, Andy felt better, she felt almost normal and didn't feel like the brave face she was wearing was faked anymore. It felt like it was really her on full display for the world to see.

...

Luke sat at the bar, he'd been here for six hours and was sure that his skin was starting to corrode from the amount of whiskey he had already consumed so willingly.

He'd left the barn after parade when Andy was missing from sight, and everyone started to panic- including him.

He hadn't seen her since she came home, and didn't think he'd be able to look her in the eye when he did see her.

Her absence was an explanation as to how she felt, the way she felt a large part of his fault and the problem was- he knew it.

He knew exactly what he'd done, even before he had done it, even before he had started the conversation that would lead them to this point in time.

_'Got a minute?'_ Words that had opened the floodgates weeks ago.

_'Sure'._ But that was the wrong answer, Swarek's answer should have been no. It should have been a feisty _'go to hell'._

But it hadn't been.

...

"Are you ever going to talk to me?". Nick asked Gail before she slammed the locker room door closed in his face after shift.

He was about to follow her in, when Williams came out and shook her head telling him not to under any circumstances follow through with that idea.

So he left, and instead found himself lurking outside Gail's new apartment's front door waiting for her to come home.

When she came up the stairs and stopped at the end of the hallway Nick stood up. He'd been sitting outside her door for over two hours waiting for her to come home, and he had no intention of leaving until they had a chance to talk.

"Seriously?" Gail chimed as she stepped closer and unlocked the door.

Nick followed her inside and closed the door, his face set in determination as he waited for her to pay enough attention to him to start somewhere.

"Are you ever going to stop following me around?" Gail asked as she took off her jacket and dropped it over the back of the couch.

"Not until I know exactly where we stand" Nick answered shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched Gail whirl around and face him.

"We don't stand anywhere Nick. You walked away again, so that shows how much you want to stand right here".

"It wasn't like that Gail".

"Then what was it like? The first time you left me in Vegas to serve in Afghanistan, the second time you run off in the middle of the night, no goodbye, no wait for me, just no anything". Gail's voice was fierce, her mood swinging dangerously close to combusting.

"Did you? Did you wait or did you move on as soon as I was out of town?".

"What do you honestly think I did?".

Nick stared at her, she didn't need to say the words to tell him. He knew. He could see it in her eyes.

This was done, this was over.

Nick slammed the door on his way out, and headed for the Penny.

...

As soon as Gail saw the door close, she felt like she could breathe again.

One wrong word, or one bad move and everything would be for nothing.

She hated having to do this, but it somehow seemed to clear things up.

It sure as hell spelled out exactly what Nick thought of her. Even if figuring that part out hadn't been in her original plan.

And that hurt. What he really thought stung way more than she thought it would.

Gail's hand moved up when she felt something brush her cheek. Her fingertips felt the telltale signs of tears even though she wasn't even aware was there until she touched it.

Crap!

She wasn't supposed to cry.

...

Traci watched Leo's eyes droop before he just couldn't keep them open anymore and he let sleep claim him.

She brushed a butterfly kiss across his cheek before she slid off the edge of his bed and turned his nightlight on.

Ever since Jerry had died, he couldn't sleep without it on, but Traci didn't mind. It was his coping mechanism.

Stopping in the doorway, Traci took one last look at Leo before closing his bedroom door halfway and leaving him to sleep.

This was the reason she did what she did, the reason she went to work everyday, and tried to make the streets they lived on safer- for her son. For the kids her friends still had to have.

Her friends kids; the though made her smile fade away. Chris had a kid, but that was just such a disaster considering that Denise was trying to force him to choose the kid over his job. Oliver had kids, but the family fell apart and now they were growing up without their dad being in the same home as they were.

Gail and Nick; they would make for a good looking kid, but that was just a bad idea. A mini Dov, that made Traci's smile for just a second until her final thought drew to her mind.

A baby Sam and Andy.

That would have made the cutest kid ever, but sadly that just wasn't an option anymore.

...

Nick found an empty seat at the bar of the Penny, the late hour making it pretty much empty except for Callaghan in a corner and a few unfamiliar faces.

He ordered a beer, and a tequila trying to keep his heart off his sleeve and his eyes on his glass.

This was all just so wrong.

The tequila reminded him that he was still alive, it's familiar burn sliding down to his stomach as he swallowed.

Being alive, and existing were pretty different, and now he felt more like his existence was a punishment for his crimes in another lifetime.

Setting the shot glass down, Nick thought about Andy and the tough time she was going through. It wasn't supposed to be this way when they came home. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Reaching out for his beer, Nick took another look towards the end of the bar, Callaghan's cold stare meeting his. The guy sure looked like he'd been put through the ringer lately.

Nick glanced back towards his beer and found his thoughts drifting back to Gail even though he didn't want them to go there.

He'd made a mistake by leaving yes, but she should have waited, especially if she'd been around when Swarek was killed. She, more than anyone should have know what it did to Traci when Jerry died, and what Andy would face coming home. She had the chance to have a life with someone, to be a part of something rather than be alone, but yet she chose to screw it up by doing whatever she did, and then tell him to his face?

How had they ever gotten to this point? How had things gone so sideways that today, they were all alone?

...

Oliver stared at his phone, for no reason.

He had hung up the call to his girls ages ago, but still his phone held his attention.

This was just so wrong, his life was so wrong.

He'd lost his wife, and he missed his girls. But the worst was that he'd buried both of his best friends nine months apart.

Losing them was hard to compare, Sammy was closer to Jerry than he was, but he was closer to Sammy in ways that Jerry had never been, but still having lost them both killed small pieces of him that weren't ever coming back.

Then there was the fact that he watched the other three women in his life live with loosing them too, Nash, Peck and the newest; McNally. That was harder to do than he ever imagined.

Nash was strong, but she didn't deserve to go through that, neither did her son who Jerry looked at as his own because he loved the kids mother more than anything.

Watching Peck was hard too, watching how she blamed herself when Jerry died. It was a while before he saw her look Nash in the eye. There were the weary looks she passed McNally's way after Sammy broke up with her, it resembled the blame she held for Jerry, like she was blaming herself for that too.

But the most heart heartbreaking was McNally after coming home to find out that she'd lost Sam.

She'd been so hopeful when her cover was over, he had seen her looking around for Sam on scene and again at the barn, but she didn't know she was looking in vain.

Then he just had to go and totally destroy her world by bringing it crashing down around her.

Setting his phone down, Oliver felt a chill run through him. He really hoped that none of his girls decided to follow in his footsteps and become a cop.

His heart couldn't handle that.

...

"Okay twinkle-toes" Frank murmured as he picked his daughter up and walked over to the rocking chair with her.

When he had settled them down, he noticed the smile she was wearing, just like her mothers.

He was pretty sure that she would have been okay if he'd dried her and left her to sleep but tonight he needed to hold onto her, and cuddle and get lost in her baby scent. He needed her to know he was here too, that he'd be here no matter what.

Even if her mother didn't change her mind about not getting married.

Noelle had called off their wedding when Sammy was shot, and she just cancelled everything.

She had apologized profusely, and he understood, they had a funeral to plan now; it wasn't a time for celebration.

Noelle had fallen apart that day, she'd been one of the first on scene and even though she knew what she was walking into it hadn't made it any easier. She had also been the one to drive down to tell Sammy's sister that he was gone.

Frank felt Noelle's hand on his shoulder as she leaned over and looked at her daughter sleeping peacefully in his arms.

"You know she's asleep right?" Noelle teased.

"I know, I just want to stay like this while I can" Frank said looking up at her. "What are we doing?" Frank mumbled making Noelle step around the rocking chair and stop in front of him.

"We're doing the best we can" Noelle said in reply. She knew how hard times had been on Frank recently, and the day of McNally's return, hadn't been any different. In fact that had probably been the worst.

"And if our best isn't good enough?".

"Then we try harder, or you call me" Noelle said managing a weak smile as Frank held a sleeping baby out to her.

Noelle's last words made him smile, because she really meant them.

...

Andy sat in the dark staring at the lights outside her window. It had been a really rough day but somehow what Oliver had said made sense.

After he left, it made her think.

This wasn't what she wanted to be, who she wanted to be, so she dug deep and tried to find a little bit of her old self.

It was hard, but eventually she got there.

One thought made her want to be herself, one thought made her feel a little more than the emptiness and numbness that hadn't left since she heard about Sam.

Sam would like what he saw, if he saw her now.

The thought actually made her feel bad for just letting go of everything.

She had spent the afternoon sending texts to everyone that she had been ignoring for nearly a week, and she sent an apology to Frank for ditching her shift. She promised him she would be in tomorrow morning and that she was okay.

She asked Nick if he'd seen Gail, but he didn't reply, so he was groveling or he didn't want to spoil her mood by saying that Gail had shot him down.

Andy spent hours taking stock of her life after Oliver left, sad thoughts surrounding her again.

That, and the word alone.

Almost everyone she knew was alone through tragedy or alone through stupid mistakes.

Luke, Traci, Nick, Gail, Chris wasn't dating anyone as far as she knew.

Oliver was divorced, but not seeing anyone.

Then there was herself.

Andy McNally, alone because she screwed up and made a mistake.

Alone because Sam screwed up and didn't follow her under.

Alone.

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	5. Misery Loves Company

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**Chapter 5- Misery Loves Company. **

Three months had gone by, but time evolving did nothing to make her broken heart heal.

She had been back on shifts, had mandatory shrink appointments, but her mind still kept wondering, her heart still aching.

Tomorrow was Sam's birthday and it was going to be a really bad day. Worst of all was; she was off duty. Life had thrown her another curve ball by having rotation work out so that it would just happen that way. The universe was telling her that it was time; time to go see Sam.

She hadn't told anyone about it, hadn't ushered a word about it, she wanted to spend the time alone.

She suspected that Traci knew, and maybe Nick, but neither of them said anything about it. She could tell that they knew by the way they both looked at her, and constantly hovered.

The last three months had been hard, but she was taking one day at a time. Her life was boring and almost non-existent, but that was the way that she wanted it.

She had become a semi-recluse and had only been to her dad's and Traci's, and the Penny twice.

But then there was Oliver.

He would show up randomly at dinner time with copious amounts of food and just keep her company, or he'd pick her up on a sunday morning and make her go shopping. She didn't even have to buy anything, she knew it was his excuse to get her to go beyond her four walls.

He really was a good guy, and she valued his friendship. She knew how hard things were on him, but yet he always found the time to check on her.

He had also asked her if she had been to see Sam yet, and her answer had been no.

All five times that he asked.

She just didn't have the courage to do that, she hadn't been even though it made her feel like crap.

But, tomorrow that would change.

Tomorrow after her run she would go because she needed to, but she owed it to Sam too.

...

After a fitful nights sleep Andy dragged herself out of bed and pulled on some sweats.

The weather had changed, and the first wisps of snow had started to fall.

Leaving her condo, Andy felt the cold give her chills as she stretched a bit before picking up a steady pace when her feet hit the tar repeatedly.

It took a while for her to get her fitness back, but slowly it was returning.

As she made her way through the dimly lit streets her mind flurried over to Gail.

She had been gone for almost three months now too, she took a transfer a week after Andy went back on shift and only came home once- the day of her fathers funeral.

Gail attended the service in her dress blues, and was at the cemetery too, but after that she disappeared again and hadn't really been in contact except with a short text to Traci once or twice telling her that she was okay.

Nick was pretty devastated after she left, his heart packed in her bag when she left. Even after all she had put him through, and what he put himself through, he still loved her and hadn't quite let go yet.

The few scattered tufts of snow that littered the ground made her think of Gail now, her heart so cold that even Nick's warm one hadn't been enough to melt the ice that encrusted it.

After her run, Andy took a hot shower and had two cups of coffee before her cab arrived.

She had pre-booked so that she wouldn't chicken out.

The drive to the cemetery had her knees trembling, and her eyes watering, but she forced herself to push through and finish this.

She had too, she owed it to herself.

When Andy made it to where Oliver had directed her to go, her feet didn't want to move anymore, they stayed planted to a small patch of grass that was a little to the side of her destination.

And then, without warning she just cracked.

Every single strong moment she'd had in the last three months withered and died as her heart did reading over the name engraved in the tombstone.

When her blurry vision cleared a little, Andy was able to venture forwards, a little closer, but it still felt so wrong to be here like this.

After a while, Andy gave up trying to stay away, her feet pulling her forwards until she was squarely in front of Sam's grave.

She had the cabbie pull over on the way here when they drove passed a florist, and she brought one single long stemmed rose, one yellow one because they were the flower of apology.

Bending down Andy set the rose down before her feet retraced their way back towards the main gate and the cab she had asked to wait.

...

Today felt surreal, unreal, unimaginable.

But yet somewhere in the back of her mind she'd always been anticipating its arrival.

Sarah passed a distraught woman fleeing the cemetery as she made her way inside. It had been a while since she had been here, well months actually. She hadn't been here since Sam's funeral.

But today was his birthday and she'd taken the day off to come here and spend a little bit of time with him.

She had left St Catherines extra early to beat rush hour traffic, but to be honest she wanted to miss Sam's girlfriend showing up, and avoid Oliver too.

She knew it wasn't fair, or acceptable behavior, but she just couldn't deal with that, or them, not today.

Sarah stopped when Sammy's grave came into view, a fresh yellow rose resting against the patches of green and white in a striking contrast of color.

Her eyes flashed across the neighboring graves, their flowers frozen and withered from the cold.

Then she remembered the fleeing woman, and her body moved before her mind could tell her to stop.

Sarah set her flowers done next to the grave of a stranger and took a light run back in the direction that she had seen the woman go in until she spotted her moving through the last row of graves that were aligned before the gates were seen.

"Hey" she called out, the woman stopping and facing her really surprised.

"Why did you come?" Sarah asked as soon as she was close enough to the woman.

"Excuse me?". Andy tried not to seem as taken back by the woman that had just approached her, but seriously? How do you ask a stranger, a crying stranger that kind of question? In a cemetery?

"You came to see Sammy, why did you come?".

Andy tried to hide her shock, but she knew it wasn't working as a gust of wind blew over her face and one single tear stung her cheek.

"It's his birthday" Andy shrugged and then turned to walk away. She really couldn't do this right now.

"You're her" Andy heard the words leave the woman's mouth, but paid no attention to them, she needed to leave, and she had to go right now.

...

"No, you can't" a hand reached for his arm the second he took a step forwards and nearly cleared the treeline.

"You can't do that to her" the voice sounded like it was trying to reason with him.

His eyes swung from where the voice spoke back through the trees to see Andy falling apart.

He'd come down here for one reason and only for that reason, this wasn't a part of that plan. She wasn't supposed to be here.

He came here to see his sister, to see that she was okay because he knew that if she ever came back here, it would be today; his birthday.

He knew that she would be here early, so he stayed hidden in the treeline a few rows away from his grave, his hoodie pulled up to hide his face and hair just in case she caught a glimpse of his movements. He had five day old stubble across his jaw and chin, but even then he knew that if Sarah saw him, she would recognize him instantly. And still, he was here, and he waited.

Then suddenly the only person that he wasn't expecting to see here showed up, and he was mesmerized.

He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't anything other than stare at her.

He knew that she was home, he'd been the one that called in the tip when he heard them run into trouble while he hid in the shadows when their paths accidently crossed while she was UC with Collins on Dakota.

He knew she made it out okay, but he hadn't actually seen her since the day he told her how he really felt, and she ran.

Seeing her now, torn up and crying, all he wanted to do was show himself so that her tears would stop. He couldn't bare the thought that he brought her more heartache.

He'd done enough of that in the past, it was one of the reasons that she was standing over his grave sobbing her heart out right now.

But her presence still didn't make any sense to him right now, why was she here?

"If you show her, this is over, it's all going down the drain and it's made worthless".

Sam knew that the words were the truth, but he couldn't help himself, he just wanted to go over to Andy and tell her that she didn't need to cry because he was okay, he was still alive and she could keep moving on.

She had been the one that had ultimately let him go, so her being here, looking like that, was even more confusing.

"Why is she even here?" Sam whispered out as he looked back at Andy's huddled figure just in time to see her stand up and walk away. He also saw Sarah approaching in the distance and held his breath as they passed each other without even knowing who the other person was.

"Are you kidding me? Are you that stupid, or are you just being a moron because it's your birthday? You know old age...". The voice asked, a hint of sarcasm wrapped up with the playfulness he had become accustomed too.

Sam kept his gaze focused on Sarah who suddenly whirled around and chased after Andy, she'd figured out who she was. They exchanged a few words before Andy left and Sarah moved back to retrieve the flowers that she so hastily set down in the middle of nowhere.

That was another thing to live regretting, he'd never introduced Andy to Sarah. Even though he wanted to so badly, he hadn't.

He hated that fact right now, they could have shared their misery with each other, because they were very clearly miserable and pretty cut up over his death.

Sam took a long breath, this wasn't supposed to be so hard.

He watched as Andy climbed into a cab that was gone from sight in seconds, his heart giving up on the steady rhythm it had been holding.

As the light breeze made the branches overhead swing and dip Sam stood staring at Sarah feeling even worse than he had when Andy arrived.

He had been all that she had left besides her kids, but they were mid teens now.

Thinking of his niece and nephew made him smile, they were good kids and Sarah made him proud by raising them right, and raising them honest.

Her husband had died a few years ago, just before McNally joined Fifteen and it tore Sarah's heart out. But seeing her now, Sam knew that what he had done was worse.

"We need to go" his partner mumbled.

Sam nodded even though he kept Sarah in his line of vision. He knew it was time to leave, they were not supposed to be here anyway.

But, he hadn't been able to help himself, he needed to see that Sarah was coping.

Taking one last look at his sister as she said something to his grave, Sam smiled a sad smile before leading the way out of the cemetery through the trees and over the back fence, just the way that they had come in.

His heart was heavy, but he'd made the right choice to come see Sarah, she was okay.

The mistake he made was not really seeing Andy, the mistake he realized was doing any of this.

The mistake was thinking that she didn't feel the same way anymore before he walked away knowing that he could never come back, ever.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	6. Risk

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**Chapter 6- Risk. **

Sam cradled the glass in his hand, his attention solely focused where it shouldn't be.

The house was quiet, as it always was, but somehow the silence sounded wrong. It sounded hollow and empty, just like he was starting to feel.

Peck was watching him, her face pretty much reflecting the harsh thoughts that were consuming her mind right now.

She'd had almost as many whiskeys as he'd had, only she looked like she was handling them better than he was right now.

"You didn't know?" Peck asked when he openly looked up at her. Sam shook his head in reply, he really hadn't known, if he had; they wouldn't be here. If he ever thought that Andy still loved him, things would have been different. Very different.

The dim light cast shadows over Peck's face making her look guilty, while her hand clutched her own empty glass aimlessly.

"I nearly told her. The day of my dads funeral. That's why I left and came back here. I couldn't look at her and not say something".

"If I'd known...". He wasn't ready to go there just yet, to admit to that.

"You'd have stayed?".

Sam nodded.

"It still would have fallen apart" Peck challenged making Sam's blood run cold.

There was more to the story that him just _'dying'_. He'd been dating someone else when he _'died'._

His way of convincing himself that there was more out there than just the right person for you, only problem was, it didn't work when you had met and lost you're **only **_'right'_ person, and then let them go completely.

"Does she know that?". Sam had no idea why he even asked that question. He really didn't want to know the answer, and he highly doubted that Andy would have made an appearance at his grave today if she knew the whole story.

Peck shook her head, before mumbling a soft reply "Traci hadn't told her by the time I left yet, but she will".

Sam scoffed in response, of course Nash would. Andy was her best friend and she wouldn't lie to her, not even for her, or him. She would tell Andy that he had moved on, that he hadn't been waiting for her before he _'died'._

"You know what I don't get? Is why?".

Sam's concentration snapped back to Peck with that question looming over his head.

"Me, I told Nick I screwed around to get him to let me go so I could be here, but that's different. You let her go, because you're scared". Peck had her say then pushed off the wall she had been leaning on before mumbling more.

"I need to sleep, got to work at one". With that she simply left the room.

Sam watched her go, his mind still vastly pleased that she had taken the spot when he told Callaghan that he wanted her in on it when he was asked if he wanted a partner. Of course Callaghan had not been happy with his choice, but he couldn't have who he wanted here, so he took the next best option he had- Peck.

The things that they were doing needed more than most of the cops at Fifteen could bring to the table, it was one of the reasons he'd chosen her.

She was a lot like him- she'd do what she had too if it meant it would get the job done. She was a fighter, a survivor, and that's what he needed in the person partnered with him. But the biggest criteria that his partner had to meet was that they had to have nothing to lose, no-one to miss them, and nothing holding them back.

But she had Collins, and she'd openly admitted that she'd lied to him to leave him behind, so what was with that? What was driving her so hard to be here and not be where she had an actual shot at getting what she wanted? Well, what was driving her more than the need to clear her family name?

Sam spent the next hour and a half drinking alone while Peck slept it off. It was their routine by now, she went to work hungover and he went in still letting his ass swing with whiskey.

It put them at risk, but it fought off the invitations to sample the stock, or partake in the party. Their 'friends' and 'coworkers' thought that they were raging alcoholics, but it was merely a means to an end, and an excuse to lay off the drugs. Best of all was, it had worked so far. And they really didn't care what anyone here thought of them.

After skipping his shower, Sam woke Gail up with enough time for her to get ready to go to work. She was bar-tending in a club called 'Charise' a few blocks down and had really gone all out to fit the description of the locals.

She'd dyed her hair dark brown and sported some ink around her wrist, Sam not really getting why she would stain her pale skin for the job. That was one step she really didn't need to take. When he asked her about it, she had simply said that it was personal, but with her, Sam wasn't all that sure about what she meant exactly.

Sam insisted on driving her in and out of work if she worked and he was off, so this morning was no different. Her shift started at one am and went through till the bar closed after sunup, and originally they had thought the hours weird. But Gail's boss had explained that; that was their busy time, when everyone else closed up, and he needed staff that weren't trashed by then. So Gail went to work hungover instead of getting loaded on the job.

"You staying?" She asked when Sam made no move to get out when he pulled up outside her new workplace.

But he just shook his head, tonight he wasn't in the mood.

"Stay away Sam" she warned before closing her door and walking around the car to where the bouncer eyed her like he was ready to eat her.

Sam took a slow drive around town, although he probably shouldn't be driving- hence the reason he was doing it slowly.

When he looked up he'd found his destination and killed the engine after pulling over parked far away from the corner or a street light.

Why he had to come here, he had no idea, he just wanted to be ... Closer to her? Hiding in the shadows like a serial stalker?

Yeah, he was totally losing it.

But there was nothing else he could really do right now. If she had a fire escape, he'd probably have been up there... Wait she had one around the back.

Sam hit the steering wheel as soon as the thought leapt to mind. What the hell was he thinking?

Climbing up Andy's fire escape like a common criminal, to hopefully catch a glimpse of her through her window, and give her a heart attack?

So not cool right now!

Ten minutes of staring at her dark windows did little to make him feel any better, so he simply decided to put it behind him and leave. Getting caught like this would blow the whole case out of the water, and a lot of people could get hurt.

Hurting Andy if he suddenly came back from the dead was at the top of the list of things that he really didn't want to do.

So he drove away and headed in another familiar direction.

Taking a slow cruise passed his own house, Sam felt like he was trespassing.

The for sale sign on the front lawn was heartbreaking, but he had to let it go just like he'd let the rest of his life as Sam Swarek go.

He'd given Callaghan a new will and he'd included clauses that Sarah's kids could only inherit the money from the sale of his house when they went to college, which wasn't too far off.

Funny enough, they'd never gone so far as to talk about what would happen when this was over, or what would happen when they got out. Because it didn't look like it was going to be over, or if they were ever going to get out of this alive. The more corners they turned, the deeper the web of deceit ran, the more they dug, the deeper they were in.

This was a suicide mission.

A sudden ringing pulled Sam's attention to the present as he turned the corner and left his old street.

It was Peck.

"He's here" she whispered into the receiver as soon as Sam answered. He could hear the panic raging in her voice, a clear sign that her stress levels had escalated beyond her own control.

"Who...Get out".

"And go where?". Gail whispered again. Even in fear she could be cold and sarcastic, a trait he normally found amusing unless her life was in danger- like it was right now.

She had been leaning over the bar serving a guy a beer when she looked up and saw him walk in.

She told Kim, the other barlady that she was going to be sick so she needed the bathroom and rushed out behind the bar and into the hallway that led to Johnny, her boss' office, and the bathrooms. And now she was stuck here. She didn't have keys to go out the back.

"Sam where are you?"

"Um, about that, where are you?" Sam said stepping on the gas.

"Bathroom hallway".

Crap, there was no way out from there. Not without being seen.

"Sam, they're coming towards Johnny's office" Gail said looking in the direction of the bar to see them coming closer.

"Hit the fire alarm" Sam said taking a corner recklessly while he kept his tone calm.

"What?" Gail said looking towards the fire alarm on the wall to her left.

"Hit it, go into the mens room and break a window, it'll take you out the back, I'll meet you there".

"Sam..."

"Go okay, if you don't he will see you and I won't be able to help you" Sam tried not to sound like he was panicking, but he was.

"Okay" Gail mumbled before ending the call.

She hit the fire alarm and watched the entire place run around in panic before making sure that no-one was looking her way and slipping into the mens room.

Gail toed a toilet seat lid down with the tip of her boot before standing on it and then getting back down. She pulled off one boot and stuck her hand into it, climbed back onto the toilet and smashed the window hoping that the breaking glass wouldn't be heard above the screaming alarm that still sounded.

Gail jumped around and put her boot back on before standing on the toilet again and then stepping up onto the cistern and climbing out the window.

It was a bit of a high jump down, but she managed to hit the ground without breaking anything. As she turned around to run down the alley, a hand steadied her and a voice mumbled a soft "Let's go" before Sam was dragging her in the opposite direction of where she wanted to go when she saw red and blue lights flicker through the air.

The cops had arrived and forced them to scale a dumpster against the back wall in order to get out of the alley.

When they were out and walking down the street, Gail didn't see Sam's car so she kept walking and avoided asking.

It was quite possible that they had just been burned, so he ditched the car because they would be looking for it.

Sam stopped a cab and gave their other address, the one that only the two of them knew. If anything went wrong, or they got separated, that was where they would go. Now they were heading there because it was safer. He'd been there before, but Peck hadn't, she only knew the address.

After driving a few blocks, Sam's phone rang again. This time a loud sigh accompanied his "go".

"You out?". Callaghan's voice crooned in his ear.

"Yup, guess who showed up?".

"We'll they're gone now. Where are you?".

"Heading over to a safe house". Sam was not telling him the address, never in a million years.

"Seriously?" Callaghan sounded impressed that he had a backup plan.

"I need a new car" Sam said in reply.

"Nope, this one's good. Kim seems to think that Gail went home, and no-one asked any questions so I think you're good".

Sam cut the call, talking too long was not a good idea.

"I screwed up" Gail mumbled looking out the window.

"Nope, you're still breathing, so thats a good thing".

"But I burned this whole thing"

"Let's sleep on it okay, we'll figure it out later" Sam was suddenly feeling the adrenaline wearing off and the tiredness set in. Besides driving around had sobered him up.

Pulling up a block from the safehouse Sam scanned the area just to make sure that they were alone on the street in the middle of the night. Coming here was a last resort, but it was really the only option they had right now, and all their backup gear had already been hidden here in the early days of this assignment.

Retrieving the key from the fake rock in the garden Sam watched Peck eye him with surprise as he knew exactly where to find it.

If that shocked her, then he couldn't wait to see what she did at breakfast time.

*******thanks for reading all the way to the bottom! **

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	7. Tattered Whispers

**Hello again! Thanks for sticking with me on this!**

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**Thanks to kelly2727, Rookie Blue South Africa on Facebook & of course everyone else!**

**Chapter 7- Tattered Whispers. **

"Where the hell have you been?" Johnny yelled in her ear as soon as she grumbled hello into her phone to stop it's shrilled ringing.

"I..." Gail didn't know what to say to that. Johnny was crapping her out from a dizzy height for leaving the bar unmanned while some joker hit the fire alarm last night.

"I need you in at five. Don't be late" he yelled again before hanging up on her.

Gail started at her phone when she pulled it away from her ear, she really didn't know what to say.

The bedroom door opened after a light rap on it, and Sam stood in the doorway with a curious look on his face. "Johnny said 'don't be late" Gail mimicked in her version of a really bad rendition of his voice.

"Thats good right?" She added sitting up.

"We'll see" Sam said before throwing his thumb over his shoulder. "Breakfast?". He failed to add anymore words to his warning, so he stepped out of the doorway and closed the door behind himself.

Peck appeared ten minutes later utterly shocked when she found Sam sitting at the kitchen table. The table was littered with food and an elderly woman hovered around in the kitchen.

"Sarah, you're late" she sang before facing Gail and turning her back on Sam who mouthed 'Sorry Mom' really slowly, and repeatedly to Gail.

"Sorry Mom?" Gail whined out before the woman nodded towards the table and Gail moved to sit down staring at Sam who was hiding his smirk in his coffee cup.

She booted his shin under the table and his knee hit the underside of it when his leg pulled back, a clatter sounding through the room.

The elderly woman looked at Gail disapprovingly before carrying on with whatever she was doing.

'Who's mom?' Gail mouthed when the woman looked away.

'Mine' Sam mouthed back making Gail knock her glass of juice over when her fingers fumbled with it.

"Sarah!" The woman scolded as she came over with a cloth and handed it to Gail. "Sit still and eat like a lady" the woman added before ushering herself out of the room.

"Sam!" Gail said under her breath as she mopped her mess up. "Are you insane?".

"No, it's okay don't worry about it" Sam said looking kind of tense. There was a lot that Peck didn't know about him, and this would be at the top of that list. Hell, Andy didn't even know about THIS.

"And if she tells someone we're here?" Gail said stopping all movement.

"She won't" Sam sounded really confident saying that, because it was true.

"But,...".

"Mom". Sam yelled, the woman reentering the room a few seconds later.

"Oh Sammy, you're home. And Sarah made breakfast" she smiled sweetly at them both.

"Go take a nap, we'll clean up" Sam said after standing up and going to give his mom a hug.

The woman left them alone and left Gail staring at thin air with questions filling her face.

"Trust me, no-one pays attention to what she says" Sam said picking his plate up from the table and walking over to the sink.

...

Andy stared out of the window, her mind willing her body to stay awake. She'd had a rough few days since running into Sam's sister at the cemetery, and then seeing the for sale sign pegged into the grass on his front lawn.

That made everything real.

She had mostly been remanded to riding the desk, but today she was partnered with Oliver on patrol and she had the feeling that he had asked Frank to let him take her for the day.

The morning had been spent lazing at home after her run, and she should have taken a nap, but her mind wouldn't shut off, so she spent nap time rolling around wondering what Sarah meant when she said "You're her".

"Do you know Sarah?" Andy asked avoiding looking at Oliver. She just threw it out there, trying to make it sound like it was a normal conversation topic.

He cleared his throat and nodded before a sad smile graced his lips. "Yeah".

"Whats she like?"

Oliver smiled even more when she asked that question.

"Funny, she asked me the same thing about you" Oliver let it out on a chuckle.

"She did?" Andy felt slightly panicked when she asked the rhetorical question. What had Oliver's answer been?.

"Yup, she said she met you..." Oliver slammed on breaks just as something hit the hood of the cruiser.

Looking forwards Andy saw a teenager with his hands on the hood, he'd run out right in front of them and Oliver had nearly run him over.

"Hey! Hey" a woman yelled as she came running towards them, the teen tapping the hood of the cruiser and taunting them before running off again.

Oliver pulled over and hit the cruisers lights while Andy scrambled out of the cruiser and pursued the running teen when she noticed the purse in his hand. He definitely wouldn't buy himself a pink manbag.

Oliver called after her, his head popping out the window, but she didn't stop, or even acknowledge her name.

Andy followed the teen between buildings, her feet keeping a steady pace as she called out to him to stop, but he just wouldn't give up, he so didn't want to get arrested.

He was tiring, and so was Andy, but she was driven by her need to make the world a better place so she started closing the distance between them as the teen started to slow down.

And then he ducked into what looked like an apartment building, surely he wasn't stupid enough to make the cops follow him home?

Andy slowed down and skidded to a stop outside the front door to the building, her instincts telling her not to go in there. She radioed in her position and then threw caution to the wind and opened the door.

Andy surveyed the entire first floor, most of the apartments downstairs had; had their front doors removed so there were only vagrants occupying them.

Trash and inanimate objects littered the hallway leading up to the staircase, Andy stepping lightly as she followed a hunch and slowly made her way upstairs.

She had radioed in again and called her location on the second floor, just so that Oliver wouldn't have to worry that she was not doing okay.

"McNally hold your position and clear the location" Oliver's voice followed hers seconds later. The apartment block was a well know crack house and a female cop inside it alone was just asking for trouble.

But, she ignored it and began sweeping the rooms, some of the apartments up here actually had doors so it was more likely that the purse snatcher was hiding up here.

She tried the first door, but it was locked. The second apartment didn't have a door and a quick survey showed no-one so Andy went to the third door and tried it, her hand turning the handle and the hindering object swinging open.

First she cleared the lounge, then the kitchen and then she moved to a bedroom off that area. This apartment was definitely lived in, but no-one was here, and still, Andy was cautious.

Finding nothing, Andy stepped back out into the hallway, something hard and heavy hitting her over the head as her vision clouded over in grey before seeping to black.

...

"That it?" Sam asked Callaghan before he received a nod in reply and pocketed the wad of cash he'd just been handed.

Sam didn't wait around for anything after that, he just yanked the door open and stepped out of apartment two-o-five. Callaghan would hang back a while before leaving, just so that they wouldn't be seen together.

As Sam looked up he saw Andy looking straight at him before she sagged down and hit the ground in a tangle of limbs.

The kid standing behind her was so preoccupied with his masterpiece that he failed to see Sam who stepped over Andy and slammed him into the wall so fast that he doubted the kid even saw him move.

"Sammy..." The kid mumbled out as he took in Sam's features and recognized him. "She was chasing me man" the kid added in defense when he saw Sam's eyes darken to black. He knew Sam as someone dangerous and already tried to explain himself.

Sam shoved him into the wall before a "stay" came out of his mouth between gritted teeth.

Letting go of the kid, Sam moved over to Andy and bent down to check on her. She had a nasty bump on her head that thankfully wasn't bleeding, but he was glad to see that her pupils contracted when he rolled her onto her back and lifted an eyelid gently.

"Get over here" Sam growled out to the kid who seemed to come when he was beckoned over. He knew Sam, and he knew that he wasn't someone you screwed with.

Sam still bent over Andy, unclipped her radio receiver and held it up in front of the kids mouth. "Repeat after me" Sam said in a tone that made the kids eyes stretch wide open.

"Officer Down" Sam pushed the button on the side as the kid mumbled the words. As soon as it was said, Sam let go.

"Give this address".

"One-Seven Miller Street, second floor" the kid hummed the words out, his tone shaky.

Sam nodded and the kid backed away, all the way away until Sam had room to move and reclip Andy's radio on.

He took one last look at her and stood up, his anger flashing through his eyes as he glared at the kid.

"Sammy, why are you helping her? She's a cop?".

Sam slapped the kid against the back of his head before saying the only thing that came to mind "Didn't you're Mama teach you anything? Never hurt the pretty ones".

...

"Want to tell me why the hell you abandoned the bar?" Johnny yelled at them. Gail and Kim were both in his office, his temper flaring as he yelled at them, his face turning red.

Gail looked at Kim, she was a nice girl, but she was always either high, or loaded, and she so needed to save her own ass right now.

"She said the cops were here" Gail shrugged, and kim nodded. Gail didn't think she even knew what they were talking about right now.

"So, you hit the fire alarm?". Johnny leaned forward making Gail cringe.

He looked so mad, he looked like he was about to fire her. And that couldn't happen, at any cost.

So Gail leaned over the table, her hands braced flat against the wood, enough cleavage showing to make Johnny stare at it. He was a boobs guy, he stared at any and every pair of boobs on anyone.

"Yeah Johnny, I hit the fire alarm. You see I thought the cops were raiding the place, so..."

"You got a record?" Johnny asked her boobs.

"No sweetie, but do you really think I work everyday with a hangover to get busted for a few lines in my pocket? Besides I really don't think you wanted the publicity". Gail stood back up and looked over at Kim who looked like she was watching flowers grow on the ceiling.

What a waste.

She was so young, and really intelligent, and pretty and she was throwing it all away.

So far they knew that Johnny and the bouncers were the only dealers in here, anyone that tried to move in on this place ended up really badly hurt, or dead, depending on how many warnings they'd received. They only gave the first one for free, after that you paid the price, heavily. It all depended on what Johnny's supplier had to say.

"Really?". Johnny looked lost in deep thought for a minute.

"Look, don't waste my time, fire me or let me get back to work?". Gail said letting her sassy side flare.

"Why? So you can screw business?".

"Seriously?" Gail said and stuck her hand into her shirt Johnny getting a really sick smile on his lips. "I don't need to work, Sammy let's me because I get bored and then I create havoc". Gail tossed a small bag across the table, it's white contents drawing Johnny's attention more than female anatomy ever could.

"As for business, your shit's a total buzzkill. Oh, and another thing, next time the cops show up give me a heads up, I really don't like the looks of a prison cell" Gail turned to walk away but Johnny's voice stopped her.

"Where'd you get from?".

Bingo!

"You wanna talk business, you talk to Sammy, I just get my party-time when I'm a good girl".

Gail left Johnny's office, and walked in behind the bar before telling Steph that she could leave. She looked up to find Sam slipping into his usual chair in the corner at the bar just like he said he would.

He had to go across town to make a pickup, then the plan was for him to walk in here, sit down and order a drink. If Gail wasn't behind the bar, he'd come and get her even if it was the hard way.

"Regular?" Gail asked, her signal word for Johnny taking the bait and having his interest peeked.

"Double" Sam said smirking.

...

"I'm fine" Andy said avoiding eye contact with Traci when she got back to the barn.

Oliver had wanted to take her to get checked out, but at the hospital she wouldn't get out of the car so he brought her back to the barn and told her to go find Traci.

Luke had somehow managed to be the first to arrive on scene and she woke up on the floor looking up at him with a pink purse clutched in her hand.

But the second her eyes opened she sat up and took her surroundings in before coming to the realization that she had been imagining things when she thought she saw Sam.

Oliver had arrived seconds later and taken her down to the cruiser without saying a word.

He was mad at her for running off, she could tell, but he didn't need to go off at her. Her headache was more than enough punishment.

Now in the locker room with Traci, Andy felt a little more emotion sweep through her as she sat down on the bench in front of her locker and shook her head at her own hallucination.

"You okay?" Traci asked and sat down next to her.

"No" Andy said weakly, she didn't even bother to hide it now, Traci would know anyway.

"I... I thought I saw Sam..." Andy said looking up at Traci and waiting for the pity and sympathy that she knew would cloud her friends face.

"Oh sweetie, that still happens to me. I wake up in the morning and think I'm going to look over and see Jerry, or Leo does something amazing and I grab my phone and think 'I need to call Jerry and tell him' even though I know he's not there".

Andy felt invisible tares make their way across her heart, she had done that a few times too and also managed to stop herself when those heart-crushing memories seemed to engulf her.

"This was different, he walked out of an apartment and then I blacked out".

"Andy, you were scared, things like that happen. Your mind reaches for a lifeline".

Andy huffed out a loud sigh. Traci was right. Again.

"What happened, you know. That day?" Andy finally asked the question that had been haunting her. She'd never had the inclination to look at Sam's file, she didn't want to risk seeing photo's or reading the unabridged, gory details.

"I don't know, I wasn't allowed on scene. Luke was first responder, then Noelle and that's all I know".

"Luke was there?" Andy found that a little strange.

"Yeah, Sam... Sam did the drug sweep with Luke..." Traci stopped talking when she saw how pale Andy went before Andy was on her feet and moving.

Traci raced after her, hoping to stop her, but Andy wouldn't let it go. She kept zooming through the barn heading straight for Luke's office.

Luke was sitting at his desk, his eyes widening when Andy slammed his door against the wall behind it and stormed into his office.

He saw Nash a few feet behind her, and she just shrugged. They all knew that this day was coming.

"I want to know what happened" Andy said surprisingly calm.

"Andy..."

"No, I want to know okay. I want to know what happened, and I want to know if there... There was anything that you would have done differently". Andy's voice started out as strong, but by the time her final words were out, her voice was a tattered whisper.

"Okay" Luke said gesturing towards the empty chair across from him but Andy declined and stayed standing as she looked at him expectantly.

After a moments silence, Luke leaned back and swallowed hard.

This was going to hurt him as much as it was about to hurt her.

*****Thanks for reading! Let me know if you want more!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	8. When the Truth Hurts

**Hello again, thank you all for your awesome reviews & follows to This & Forget Me Not. **

**Special thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to the newbies. **

**Chapter 8- When The Truth Hurts. **

Luke took a deep breath and dropped the pen his hand had furiously been playing with onto the open file on his desk.

The sound traveled through the room, not one single sound coming from him or Andy. Nash had given them some privacy and closed his office door behind herself when she left, but Luke could see her hovering close by, just in case Andy needed her.

"We got a tip, and Sw.. Sam wanted to follow it, so we went. The warehouses were first, made a few arrests, then one guy starts singing like a bird so Sam wanted to follow this lead.

We went to a house that was supposed to be empty, it was supposedly only used for storage. But it wasn't empty.

We went in, and they just opened fire".

Luke heard Andy's breath whimper in as she inhaled. This was really hard for her to hear.

"Sam got hit and went down, I returned fire and they left".

Andy started blinking back the tears, her face contorting into a look that resembled physical pain. " ?"

Luke looked away, his head shaking slightly. He didn't want to give her any more details than he had too.

"Where!". This time Andy's voice came out a little more certain and forceful.

"Leg, chest, neck". Luke took a gulp after that when Andy's eyes widened.

"He wasn't wearing a vest?". He was hoping that she wouldn't pick up on the fact that he said chest. If Swarek had been wearing a vest, a chest shot wouldn't have been fatal unless is was an armor piercing round.

"And then?". Andy pressed on for more details.

"I did what I could Andy" Luke said looking at her, he needed her to understand that.

"But would you have done it differently?".

This time her voice returned to a broken tune, her tears no longer in hiding.

"Yeah, I would have done things differently. But I can't change anything". Luke was honest with his answer, more honest that he'd ever been with her before this moment in time.

She still hadn't moved, so Luke knew that she was waiting for more.

"Noelle arrived, and so did the medics. He crashed in the ambulance and they couldn't get him back. I'm so sorry".

Andy choked back a sob, her hand wiping away at her face before she fled Luke's office.

The images spilling across her mind were things that had made up her nightmares, and some things were better left alone, better left as unknown.

...

Sam sat staring into space, the drink in his hand not even holding his attention long enough to keep the daze from sweeping in.

His run in with Andy had shaken him to the core, he was so mad at her right now that he could go over there, knock on her door, yell at her and then...

"You okay?" Gail's voice wafted through the fog that surrounded him.

"Yeah" Sam said forcing his mind to black out Andy McNally entirely.

"Sure?" Gail challenged his answer, her face telling him that she knew exactly where his head was.

Just as Sam opened his mouth to back his statement up Johnny appeared behind him. "Got a minute?".

Sam looked over his shoulder and nodded before he slid off his chair and followed Johnny to his office.

...

A few days later, Andy returned to Sam's grave. She hadn't been since his birthday, but she felt like she needed to go there.

She ordered a nice bouquet of flowers, and took them with her, the color lightening up the grey headstone surrounded by a blanket of snow.

Staying for a while Andy let memories carry her away as she let the blanket of white flutter across her vision.

Sam had no idea what he was doing.

He was meant to be at home sleeping but somehow he found himself looking through a window to see Andy get into a cab. What were the chances of that? Was the universe reminding him that he'd made a mistake or was it letting him get a chance to set things right?

He'd come to the store to get a few fresh supplies now that they were back at their cover house, and no longer hiding at his mothers. There wasn't a need too, so they just picked up where they had left off. He was just about to pay for his purchases when a dark head of hair caught his attention as it flurried between the snowflakes and then disappeared.

He knew that he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself, so he followed her.

He watched the cab pull up outside the cemetery, Andy climbing out holding a bouquet made up of yellow roses.

He sat in the car for a while, let her go inside before doing the unthinkable and following.

His week old stubble had turned into a beard and his new shaggy hairstyle and weight loss would hopefully be enough to elude to his real identity as he pulled his hoodie up and ventured through the gates.

Andy walked over to Jerry's grave first and set a rose down, her footprints in the snow making Sam wonder why he had ever even agreed to do this. His footprints should be marking the snow behind hers as if he was walking next to her to do this with her, it did not feel right that they were following hers in hiding while she did this alone.

Within minutes she was moving again and Sam followed in stealth. He moved into the treeline again and stood taking the sight of her in.

Her face was turned to the side, but from what he could see she looked like she had been cast in stone. Gone were her soft features and timid smile.

He could tell that she had lost a bit of weight too, that she wasn't really looking after herself. But she still looked beautiful.

She didn't stay long, her lips moving ever so slightly as she said whatever words she needed to before she left again, a fresh set of footprints trailing behind her in the snow.

This time Sam stayed put, let her leave on her own.

He needed to stay away, needed to keep distance between them at all costs.

Andy asked the cabbie to drop her at the Penny. She didn't feel like going home.

He pulled up outside and she paid him and thanked him with a smile before getting out and moving towards the door where she stopped.

Even now coming here was still something that she felt wrong doing. She knew that she would walk in, look at that chair, and find it empty.

It was still hard to grasp that concept.

...

Gail sat in the chair, a razor poised over her skin before the fingers clutching it moved and shaved the hair off of her arm.

Over the next hour she sat patiently while the buzz of a machine trailed up and down her skin leaving a trail of ink behind it.

She'd always loved tattoos, just never thought that she'd ever get one.

Now she had two. Well one, but it had new additions.

The first she had done in memory of Jerry, a pattern around her wrist that looked like ivy clinging to her skin. She'd added small roses, each of them holding meaning. One for Traci, one for Andy, one for Chris and Dov. Today she extended the tattoo and had more ivy added, this time a purple butterfly sitting on the ivy.

This one was for Nick, the symbol of the butterfly meant to signify her letting him go.

...

Andy pushed the door open, the boisterous noise inside in no way altering now that her presence filled the room.

Her eyes settled on Nick and Dov sitting at the bar lost in conversation so Andy stepped forwards with the intention of joining them.

"... I mean, how could he do that? How could Swarek just start dating someone else as soon as Andy left?" Dov said to Nick without noticing Andy's presence behind them.

"What?" Andy managed to shriek even though her blood ran cold and her entire body stopped functioning.

Dov's head snapped up as he turned to face Andy his face contorted into the most devastated kind of expression.

"Oh shit" Dov said even though Nick wasn't listening anymore. His head was hanging down and his eyes pinched closed.

"Andy..." Dov tried to say something as his hand reached out for her.

She took a small step backwards, severe tremors taking over her body while her head tilted to the side.

"I..." Dov stood up off his bar stool, his hand still reaching out for Andy as she continued to back away.

"No, he...". She couldn't say that Sam wouldn't.

"Andy, I'm sorry" Dov's voice sounded so remorseful that it made Andy cry.

"You're sorry? Why are **You **sorry?" Andy's own tone was lost to a dry laugh as her head began shaking.

"I didn't know you were there" Dov said barely above a whisper.

"But you knew?"

Dov nodded and looked down.

"How long Dov?". Andy was on the verge of completely losing it. How she managed to hold on to the final restraints holding her together she'd never know.

"Dov!" This time her voice was fierce as it murmured his name when he remained silent.

"Couple weeks after you left". Dov sounded so humble that Andy couldn't be mad at him, even if she wanted to be.

"Who?" Andy's hand swiped away an annoying tear as it wet her cheek.

"Dov who?" She repeated when he didn't answer again.

"It doesn't matter" Dov held her in his gaze. Cruz was here too so the last thing that he should do was look her way and tip Andy off. That would only make things worse and that was so not what he wanted right now.

"It doesn't matter" Andy laughed out sarcastically. She wasn't making fun of Dov it just slipped out that way.

"You know you're right. It doesn't matter. It won't matter who it was, or where she's from or even where she is now. Sam's dead and so what if I left him here when I took off in the middle of the night? So what if I came home and he wasn't waiting? So what if things were better with her..."

"Enough" Nick said before forcefully pulling Andy towards him. Her voice had risen to screaming at Dov, the entire Penny coming to a standstill as Andy just lost her cool.

When her words were cut off, sobs ensued filling the air as Andy let her final teetering strings snap.

"Let's take you home" Nick said letting her go and looking towards the door. If she had anything to drink it would get worse so he needed to get her out of here.

Dov stood watching them until they were completely out of view.

When he moved to reclaim his seat, his eyes shifted lightly over Cruz who seemed to have the strangest of expressions on her face. It was almost like she regretted the truth coming out.

Andy stayed quiet as Nick drove her home.

Her numbness had returned with vengeance, every single fiber in her body having fizzled out completely when she heard that Sam had moved on.

And everyone knew, everyone except her.

It made her feel sick.

She had been fighting the guilt that she had missed his funeral and now it just felt like she had been wasting her time feeling that way.

"You didn't waste it Andy" Nick said when he pulled up outside her building.

Crap, that should have stayed in her head, it wasn't meant to pass her lips.

Nick moved to open his door, but Andy's hand on his arm stopped him.

"I need to be alone now" she said looking at him through eyes heavily misted with tears.

"Andy..."

"No Nick. I need..." What she really and truly needed was the one thing that she couldn't have.

"I need some time alone" she said looking down before pulling her hand away from his arm and getting out.

When she walked away she didn't even look back at Nick even though she knew that he was still sitting there watching her.

Andy let herself in, tears blurring her vision.

Everything that Andy thought she knew faded away to be replaced with the most heartbreaking pain that she'd ever felt.

As her hands hit the lights and her arm dropped her bag, her feet carried her towards the kitchen where she searched her cupboards for what she was looking for.

Unscrewing the lid, Andy lifted the bottle to her lips and took a long sip.

She knew that she shouldn't, but right now she needed too. This moment was too flawed and crushing. It was a moment of weakness really.

This was the moment that she realized that no matter what had happened between her and Sam, she hadn't been the one faking it, he had.

No matter how things looked from her point of view, Sam hadn't meant what he said and he hadn't meant what he had promised her, not when he moved on as soon as she was out of town.

Like she once told Oliver- Sam didn't feel the same way about her, as she did about him.

******so let me know what you think? & if you're still here? Thanks for reading, have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. Locked in Darkness

**Time for more-**

**Thanks for sticking with this!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 9- Locked in Darkness **

The second that she walked out the Penny with Collins holding onto her, he knew.

He knew that she had found out that he had been '**dating' **someone after she left.

Even across the dark street and the parking lot he could see the hurt she was wearing as she let herself be bundled into Collins' car.

He had left her alone when she left the cemetery and was just driving passed when he saw her go inside the Penny. He pulled over and turned around before parking between the cars lining the street on the opposite side of the road. He just needed to know that she would get home okay. He had a nagging feeling that he had to stay, so he did, only to regret his decision when he saw her come out knowing more than she had when she went inside.

Sam followed Collins' car all the way to Andy's condo, careful to make sure that there was a safe distance between them so that he wouldn't be detected.

He watched as Andy went inside alone, a moment of relief mingling with one filled with worry. She really shouldn't be alone right now.

Collins sat outside for another ten minutes just staring into space before he drove off looking like he would rather stay.

When her street was completely shrouded in darkness Sam slid out of his car, let out a shaky sigh and moved around to the side of her building before he regretted it and stopped from crossing the lines that he saw marking the space between him and his actions rather clearly.

Access to her fire escape was way too easy, if he could, he would call her super right now and tell him that it was safety issue, but of course he couldn't do that.

Sam lingered outside her window, making sure to stay low as he tried to blend into the shadows.

He couldn't see her, but he could hear her soft sobs as they kept shredding his heart up into fine fragments.

Sitting on the bottom of the fire escape Sam sat and listened for as long as he could bare it, and then all that followed was silence.

Taking a risk and moving up so that he could peer through her window Sam saw the whiskey bottle clutched in her hand as her back met the wall behind it and then guided her down until she was firmly seated on the floor.

She had her head cast down, her face hidden behind a curtain of hair but yet he didn't have to see it to know what he'd find.

He'd find her broken beyond repair.

Sam was focused on her for as long as she sat there and drank, small sips taken every now and then. It was heartbreaking to watch, but this was his punishment. He deserved this, because he did this.

After an hour Sam noticed Andy attempting to stand up as she swayed under the severe influence of the alcohol that she had consumed.

She probably hadn't eaten yet, that was if she had even had lunch, and she hardly ever drank anything other than beer, wine or a single shot of tequila. That whiskey was probably a bottle that she had kept at home for him, and now she was drinking it in desperate need of escape.

Andy staggered over to the door and yanked it open all but falling through it as she grabbed her purse and slammed the door closed behind herself.

Sam scrambled down the fire escape as quickly as he could not really caring if he made enough noise to wake the neighborhood.

Andy was drunk off her ass and venturing out into the night alone, not really an idea that sat very well with him.

When he came scrambling around the corner he was just in time to see her get into a cab, her hand still holding the bottle.

He followed closely this time, wanting the cab driver to notice his presence if only as a deterrent.

He was a little confused by the direction that the cab was driving in, but didn't worry too much because he was right behind her.

When the cab pulled over and Andy stumbled out the back Sam winced as he waited for her to fall on the ice that covered the tar of the parking lot, but somehow she managed to keep her footing and started walking. Although it looked more like she was dancing across the tar.

Sam ditched his car, his feet keeping up her steady pace as she slipped through the gate of the cemetery. She was truly insane.

Sam lost sight of her in the dark before he heard a string of curses followed by a loud thump and scrunch. She had slipped and hit the ground, but the sound of breaking glass never came so she still had a firm hold on the damned bottle.

Sam froze when he heard her go down even though his instincts kicked in and he wanted to rush over and help her up, he was paralyzed and couldn't move.

Minutes flew by before he heard her boots scrunch over the snow as she started walking again after regaining her footing.

It wasn't long before they were engulfed by more silence, she'd reached her destination and stood still.

Sam still couldn't see her, so he moved around to the other side as quietly as he could where he mentally tried to prepare himself for whatever he would find.

"You jackass" Andy's voice startled him but he soon calmed when he realized that she was directing her anger at his gravestone, and that she hadn't actually seen him.

"How could you do that?" She yelled again, this time her voice lacking clarity.

"I... How could you just give up Sam? How could you just move on?". This time he could hear the tears that laced her voice, her emotions clearly audible.

"I wanted you to wait Sam, I wanted you to be there when I came home..." Andy was teetering around heavily on her feet as she swayed around in the dark. Sam could see the warmth of her breath billow out into the cold everytime that she spoke.

She suddenly remembered the whiskey and lifted the bottle before guzzling down mouthfuls.

"You broke my heart Sam, and even though you're not here, you're still doing it" Andy's voice softened as if she was debating whether or not to actually say any of this to him or not.

Andy stumbled and lost her footing again, her backside falling into the snow as she let out a loud shriek.

It made a drunken giggle escape her lips, one that rolled into a sob and then she just broke down in tears and cried her heart out sitting there in the snow.

Sam looked away, it was hurting too much for him to watch knowing that there was nothing he could do.

The sudden crash of breaking glass made Sam's eyes fly back to her to see her hand drop. "Damn you Sam" she whispered just loudly enough for him to catch. She had thrown the whiskey bottle at his gravestone and it smashed, the shards of glass reflecting feint flashes of light.

Sam had to do something, he couldn't leave her here like this.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket he sent a text to Peck, he couldn't call her standing feet away from Andy.

The sound of footsteps in the snow made Andy's head snap up in fear. It was dark and creepy here, but it hadn't phased her until she heard someone approach.

Gail had arrived and was making her way over, but Andy couldn't see her through the darkness or her swollen, blurry eyes.

"It's just me" Gail said when she came close enough. She didn't want to scare Andy if she was as fragile as Sam thought.

Stepping closer and bending down to take a better look at Andy Gail saw why Sam was worried, she was a tattered mess.

"You look like someone I know" Andy almost giggled it out.

"Like?" Gail asked standing up straight and holding her hand out for Andy to stand up.

"Someone that I used to be friends with" Andy huffed out as she took Gail's hand and let her help her up. Andy was still suffering from a severe case of imbalance, so Gail kept a firm hold on her as she started to walk her towards the main gates.

"I am still your friend Andy, I'm just not here to show it".

Andy's firm steps faltered and they nearly stumbled, but Gail managed to hold them up. What she hadn't been expecting was Andy to suddenly lunge at her in a giant hug that was filled with a desperate need for comfort.

Gail wrapped her arms around Andy and hugged her back, Andy's voice letting a soft "I miss you too" out as she tried to find a small amount of self composure.

"Too?" Gail moved away, putting a little space between them so that she could give Andy a once over. She knew that Sam wasn't far, so maybe if they settled this, and he heard the truth, he would pull out before there was nowhere else to go besides down.

"I miss him so much Gail" Andy was slurring, her speech impaired, but her words were still as clear as crystal.

"But I hate him so much right now".

Gail hadn't planned on that coming out of Andy's mouth. She looked over Andy's shoulder to where she figured Sam was still standing, but there was no-one there.

"I know okay, but tomorrow it'll change" Gail said slipping her arm around Andy's shoulders and leading her towards the gates.

"No, it won't. Do you know what he did?" Andy tugged free of Gail's supporting grasp and turned to face her for all of two seconds before she stumbled in the snow and found herself down on her backside looking up at Gail. It made a fresh wave of tears boil to the surface.

Gail let out a loud sigh and looked around until she found Sam. She could see the battle raging inside him as he lingered around even though the sight was inducing unbearable pain to him.

Gail huffed out a breath and squatted down, this was so **not** her thing, this comforting someone and all this emotion, but she had to do something right?

"Andy, look I know what Sam did wasn't fair to you, but did you ever stop to think if it was fair to him?"

"He's not even here Gail, I don't care okay. He's gone and he's never coming back. So I can hate him, and I will hate him until the day I die". Andy grumbled out, a hand running over her face as she swiped away at the tears blindly.

When Gail sought Sam out she found his face void and expressionless like a small piece of him died hearing Andy say those words.

"The only reason you hate him so much is because you love him more". Gail's words stung her own ears before they made Andy gasp. She had always been one to be sarcastic and short and here she was sounding like Dr Phil.

"But he never felt the same Gail, if he did, he would have waited. After he said it, he should have waited". Andy tried to stumble to her feet, her hand reaching out for Gail when she nearly toppled over. Gail took hold of it and helped her up before walking them closer to the gate.

Andy had new fierceness running through her, a kind of fire that Gail had only seen a few times before.

This time when Gail looked for Sam, he was gone and she automatically knew that he was gone, gone out of the cemetery gone.

Gail took Andy home and helped her into bed before pulling the door closed to lock behind her.

When she got home, she found Sam sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and an open bottle of whiskey. At least he wasn't drinking the whiskey neat. He needed to maintain some composure tonight, they had a business meeting with a few people later.

"Don't. Whatever you want to say, I don't want to hear it" Sam growled out as soon as he saw her.

Gail held her hands up in surrender, the only thing that she wanted to say was that she was sorry for hedging the conversation in the direction that it had gone in. She didn't mean for it to go the way it had, or for him to hear what he had heard.

Gail left Sam alone and went to get changed, she needed the time to think. Seeing Andy like that had brought back thoughts of Nick, someone she had forced out of her mind since she agreed to do this. Or at least had tried too.

When it was time, they left home and headed to a meeting that Johnny had set up.

Apparently he liked their product more than his current suppliers so he was offering Sam a way to deal at the club exclusively for a cut in cash and the rest in product. Johnny had a business partner that was not know by name or face, so Sam and Gail had to meet up with the partner too. The meeting was risky, because of the silent partner, they could very easily be one of the people that Sam and Gail were chasing, they could easily be someone that knew them as cops.

If they were, things were going to get really bad really fast and then they were dead.

As in for real.

******another chapter done. **

**Seems like Andy is struggling a bit, and Sam feels remorseful, what do you think?**

**Thanks for reading, have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	10. Final Goodbyes

**As always, thank you all for your awesomeness! Welcome to all the newbies!**

**Chapter 10- Final Goodbyes. **

Leaving the meeting with Johnny and his partner, Sam let out a relieved breath.

The partner was more like a bored housewife from suburbia, so they were still alive and breathing, and the deal had gone through.

But that didn't mean that they were safe or okay.

It merely meant that they were making headway.

They had bumped the dealer from the second club now, so word would spread that they meant business and that would draw more attention to them. But that was what they wanted.

They were using smoke and mirrors to draw the people they wanted out, and when that happened all hell was going to break loose.

Sam called Callaghan on the way home and told him that things had been kicked up a notch before hanging up and getting comfortable in the passenger seat while Gail drove them home.

She loved driving this car.

It was a convertible BMW Z4, in silver, all part of the flash the cash image they had to project. Callaghan had given it to Sam and gotten Gail a blue Yaris that she hated with a passion. She wanted something with power and oomf too.

She claimed her car was a 'girly, granny' car.

Gail was used to driving the squad cars so Sam had no problems letting her drive this car, he knew that she could handle it. He'd just love to see her face if she knew what he was hiding in his mothers garage. She would flip and definitely beg to take that vehicle for a drive.

When they pulled up at home, the neighbors were also just returning home, so they waived, Sam ignoring them completely as he moved to unlock the front door and stepped inside. He really didn't care if they thought that he was rude.

He wasn't here to become friends with the neighbors.

Gail waved and smiled before following in Sam's footsteps and hearing his bedroom door slam.

Following a shower Gail hit the lounge with hot chocolate and a blanket to watch some TV. Appearances were everything to keep their cover intact but she was having a hard time laying off the bottle, so she gave up sleeping instead. If she was tired then she'd look like she spent the night partying so it would still do. Being a natural blonde with pail skin, her eyes easily became bloodshot. And the dark rims under her eyes settled in after the first run of two hours sleep.

Spying her own phone, Gail reached for it and sent Traci a quick text telling him that she missed her and that she was okay. She added some lines telling her to tell Andy that she said hello, and then she asked how Nick was before hitting the send button.

That was a bad idea, and one she couldn't take back.

...

Andy woke up shivering. She was frozen.

And she was hungover.

Opening her eyes when her alarm went off, Andy found the dreary grey skies leering at her through her open curtains.

Feeling her jeans with her hand she found that they were wet at the back and the bottom, a flash of images coming to mind that made her stomach lurch.

The Penny.

Sam's new girlfriend.

The whiskey.

The cemetery.

Gail.

Sitting on her ass in the snow.

Throwing back the covers Andy got out of bed and headed for the bathroom turning it into a steam room when she let the hot water run and heat the room.

Andy changed her wet bed linen and had coffee after her shower. After that she was out of time so she left for shift not at all surprised when she found Nick waiting outside for her when she came downstairs.

...

Sam didn't even bother trying to sleep, he knew that his mind wouldn't allow it.

He was on a major guilt trip and accepted it freely because it was his punishment for doing what he had done.

All the things that had gone wrong from the start had been his own fault, the only thing that he could hang over Andy's head was the fact that she had walked away from them when he had asked for a chance to fix it. But he couldn't hold it against her, she had done the right thing and he was too late anyway. But he would never forgive himself for making her believe that he moved on, or that he died while she was under.

He knew that she was safe at home, Gail would have made sure of that so he wasn't really worried about if she was okay that way right now.

Her words kept haunting through his mind _'I hate him'._ Those were the worst words he could have ever heard come from her lips. She could have told him that she didn't love him anymore, or that she slept with someone else, that wouldn't have hurt as much.

But hearing that what she felt had been replaced by hatred when she didn't have a hateful bone in her body, that just killed the last alive piece of his heart.

...

"You okay?" Traci asked as she slipped into a chair next to Andy in parade.

"Yeah, rough night" Andy said trying to cover up exactly how rough it had been.

"Gail says hi" Traci said drawing a smile from Andy. She could say what she wanted too, but she knew that Gail missed Andy too.

"He actually wants volunteers" Dov said when he sat down behind Andy. "That's the first I've heard you can apply, usually he picks who he wants" Dov added when Nick sat down.

"Who and what are you talking about?" Traci asked turning a little to the back to see them.

"Callaghan. He's got a new task force starting" Dov said enthralled in excitement. He was quite obviously planning on applying.

Twenty minutes later when Noelle wrapped parade up because Frank was busy, Andy bolted from the room with one destination in mind.

Luke hadn't been at parade, but his car was in the lot so he was here.

And she found him hovering over an open file on his desk, engrossed by its contents.

"Hi" she stammered as she made her way closer and gained his attention.

"Hey, you okay?".

"Um, yeah, rough night. So working on anything?"

Luke let out a dry chuckle. He knew they'd be having this conversation at some point when she heard.

"I want it" Andy added before he said anything to answer her first question.

"Andy..."

"No Luke, I did Dakota and I want this".

Luke guessed that coping with life was driving her to want to leave, to look for an escape.

"Andy, no. I'm sorry. This one isn't like Dakota, this is long term and more dangerous. This one isn't for a woman..."

Andy crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. He had better not hope that pulling the chauvinistic card would actually work on her.

"Andy I need a guy for this okay, sending a woman in is asking for trouble. Cruz applied and I turned her down too".

Andy froze when Luke said that name.

How had she missed it?

That was Sam's new girlfriend wasn't it. The one that was never partnered with her, the one that always watched her whenever she was in the room. The woman that avoided her at all costs, or was shielded away from her by others.

Now Andy wanted the spot even more.

After pulling herself together after letting her mind wonder Andy pulled the only card she had left to use as leverage.

"You owe me Luke".

Luke looked away, he knew what she was doing and what she was using as the reason behind that.

Sam.

"Andy, I know it's hard, and I'm sorry. But no, you can't have in".

"Luke, if you had been there when you were supposed to be, I wouldn't want to do this now. But you weren't and I need this so badly, I need to leave and never come home. I need to be somewhere else, be someone else, because I can't be me anymore".

Luke closed his eyes and took a shallow breath.

She was right, maybe if she did this she'd see that she was better off as herself, and that compared to where she wanted to go, life was awesome where she was.

"Okay, six weeks, that's all I'm giving you. After that, we'll relook at it and I'll decide if you stay".

Andy smiled, it was one of very few happy moments she had experienced recently.

"When?" She asked knowing that her life could rapidly from here on out.

"Tomorrow night at eight. I'll pick you up. And pack light".

Andy left Luke's office thankful for the time he had given her to say her goodbyes.

Andy's shift grazed by, a day spent wearing a real smile.

She was partnered with Oliver so she had time to say her own goodbye to him. He had really proven himself over recent weeks as a closer friend than she would ever have imagined.

After shift she grabbed Traci and dragged her and Leo out to their favorite pizza place for dinner.

When they were done and Traci dropped her off at home, she gave them both a really long hug goodbye. They were off tomorrow anyway so she wouldn't see them again.

Once inside Andy called her dad and arranged breakfast with him for nine am, so that she could say bye to him too. That would be hard, but this time she would leave with having spent some time with him first.

When the sun rose, Andy went for a run and then went home and showered. She met her dad at a diner close to her condo, and they enjoyed a good breakfast and a long talk.

Somehow he knew what was going to happen, and he even wished her luck when he hugged her goodbye.

With one last goodbye to say, Andy made her way home with a heavy heart.

The grass was crisp in death where snow patches had melted, as soft footsteps made their way over the scarce greenery that rested in a place so silent that only birds and crickets dared to disturb the tranquility. There was no rustle of a trees leaves overhead, but in the quiet it was imagined. Only the soft sound of the footsteps were audible to those that listened.

No matter how many times that this trip was made, it never felt any different, never changed.

It was a regular journey taken, one made to pay respects over birthdays, and perhaps christmas as it neared. But mostly this rememberance was made as a way to accept the truth.

But, even after months it still wasn't making any sense. And it never got easier.

The sadness that came with doing this was also something that never went away, in fact that feeling loomed overhead on happy days, work day, off days, basically just everyday.

But this wasn't done to inflict self-punishment or some other kind of morbid feeling, it was done to share, done to say sorry and mostly done because it was driven so fiercely by a need to be here that it couldn't be avoided.

The footfalls stopped when they came to the desired headstone, sad eyes tearing up as one knee met the ground still littered under soft snow and a hand extended to lay one single rose on the grass that ran around the edge of the stone where it met the earth.

The hand retracted, it's movements still shaky as it was every time that the same action was repeated. It was something that would probably never go away, not even over years and years.

"I still miss you" the words were whispered out on a pained note, pure emotion embedded so deeply in those few words that they even hurt to say. The guilt over last nights actions were there too, regret running alongside it so thickly it would probably be visible to the naked eye.

It still felt like it was yesterday that the headstone had been a real person, a warm smile, deep dark eyes. Now this was all that remained, all that was left.

A hole had replaced the once warm organ that was filled with love, it was merely a rotting orb of emptiness now that the numbness had subsided. But that tended to happen when you had your heart ripped out and shredded in a way that no-one should ever have to endure.

"I'm going away for a while".

This time the voice drew out a little softer, the person saying the words not really wanting to admit that it would be a while before they paid another visit. The first christmas like this would be missed.

But it was what was going to happen, how things were going to be for a while because it was a choice made.

"But I'll come visit when I can..." The words started out as a sentence, then failed and trailed off into a soft whimper as eyes misted over and one single tear streaked its way down a warm cheek.

Strange how that worked- tears felt warmer than skin in the coldness of winter even though they were induced by a feeling so cold it made you feel dead inside.

A hand brushed away the tear, the wetness not even felt as it met the skin of the hand that splattered it into nothingness.

Sinking the other knee down so that both were on the snow, a sudden silence encased the warm body as the sun baked down and a light breeze whispered its touch against the bare skin of a sad face.

There was no rush to leave, nowhere else to be right now.

Why was it always so hard to say goodbye?

Why did it feel like it had to be done in no haste, that a measurable amount of time should be spent here, like this?

By the time the last of the meager afternoon sun began disappearing, it was time for the final goodbye.

Andy stood up and brushed the few pieces of dirt that clung to her jeans off before taking a long breath and looking at the tombstone one last time before making the goodbye official.

"See you 'round Sam".

Her hand brushed gently over the name chiseled into the stone like her fingertips were memorizing them, before she stepped back and began walking away as a fresh wave of emotion broke free and the tears that she had been holding back finally spilled.

She didn't need to remember the name, it was one she would never forget.

Sam Swarek.

*******thanks for reading! Let me know if you're still here!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	11. In Over Your Head

**Hello again, time for more-**

**Chapter 11- In Over Your Head. **

Two weeks had gone by since Sam last saw Andy. It wasn't that he was looking for her... Liar, of course he was.

Twice he'd slipped up her fire escape to find her condo vacant. He'd sat outside her building in Gail's fabulous blue Yaris hoping to catch sight of her, but never did.

Things were heating up with the case, Callaghan had provided a large amount of cash for Sam to front to the new buyer that he was using to supply his uncut product. Business was good, Cherise was turning a sizable profit for them and Sam had given Callaghan a few small time dealers to feed to Guns and Gangs to show progress and stop them from getting shut down.

But then things took a surprising turn when Sam's supplier suddenly turned up dead and then left them without any product. That was really bad and getting them nowhere.

A week of searching the streets for a new supplier took time and made Sam's patience wear thin as he tried his damnedest to salvage the operation in any way that he could. But, it was pointless.

They were at a dead end and there was nowhere to go.

Until Sam had a little run in with a guy named Quinn.

Sam dropped Peck off at work and was driving around aimlessly when he noticed a woman go into an alley at high speed, two sets of feet following her just as quickly.

Sam hit the breaks and reversed only to find one of the guys slamming the woman into the wall of the alley, the other one watching the street for any interruptions coming their way.

The cop in Sam screamed that this was wrong, but he couldn't help himself so he killed the ignition and got out of his car after parking in record time.

Sam looked both ways before crossing the street, his hand already seeking his gun out when he recognized the tattoos running up the guy standing in the streets arm.

He ran with a gang on the other side of town, one that had ruins with the law every single day. Lucky for Sam, they hadn't been with him personally.

Sam had his head down, his eyes scanning parked cars for any more faces that could be associated with the two guys.

Sam tried to look like he wasn't paying attention as he walked closer to the guy at the entrance of the alley, and just when he reached him, Sam pulled out his gun and told the guy to step up to the wall.

"Where is it Chicca?" The guy in the alley slapped the woman with one hand while another had its fingers wrapped around her throat. What a moron, how did he expect someone to talk when he was strangling them?

"Step away" Sam said when he was close enough, both the scared eyes of the woman and the surprised eyes of the thug looking his way.

The guy let go of the woman who was more like a girl, and stepped away, his hands up in the air.

Sam looked at the girl and held out his hand before waving her closer. Her face was still clouded in fear as she looked between Sam and the gun.

"You're making a mistake" the guy closest to her said, his accent sound like he was maybe of mexican decent. As if Sam didn't already know that from the tattoos.

"You don't know me" Sam replied dryly.

The girl had yet to move other than to wipe a small trickle of blood away from her lips.

"You're messing with the wrong people man, you don't want to be a hero, so walk away" the guy said again, his hands slipping down. Sam was cautious watching him, he really didn't want to shoot the guy.

So he swung his gun down a fraction and pointed it at the guys feet before pulling the trigger making the girl scream, the guy in front of him drop face first into the cement, hands covering the back of his head and the guy in front of Sam just stood there staring at him, un-phased by the gunshot.

Sam held his hand out to the girl again and this time she came over, slowly.

"I will find you" the guy yelled as Sam wrapped a hand around the girls arm and backed her out of the alley. Then he grabbed her hand and dragged her across the street, shuffled her into his car and took off down the street.

He didn't even know her, but a girl her age on the street this time of the morning was looking for trouble.

"Thank you" she said a few blocks away when Sam returned his driving to the speed limit.

"You can take a right and let me out" she added looking like she was still really scared.

"Or I can take you home" Sam tried to sound forceful, but it sounded concerned more than anything else.

"No" she shrieked in a panic, alarm bells going off in Sam's mind.

"My brother..." She cut it off.

Sam glanced her way briefly, the hint of a tattoo sticking out under her sleeve when she lifted her arm up and ran a hand over her hair.

"Look Mister, I need to go home but you can't take me okay. Thanks for that back there, but I'm good now".

When she strung so many words together Sam recognized her accent, it was less pronounced that the gang-banger in the alleys, but it was definitely there.

"Look it's home, or it's the local police division okay, those guys didn't look like they were playing around". Sam pulled over and waited. She would decide one way or the other, but either way, Sam wanted to see where this would lead.

Her tattoo was a give away, so was her accent. She was a Ramos.

The Ramos family was one that Guns and Gangs had been trying to nail for years, but they failed every single time. They could smell a cop, and as far as Sam knew, no-one had ever gotten close to them and lived to tell about it.

"Okay, take a left and then a right". Her petite voice directed Sam into a neighborhood that he should avoid, but things were taunting him too much to let go.

When he stopped, four pair of eyes slammed onto the hood of his car as the feet belonging to them moved towards Sam and the girl.

"Sophie?" The guy closest to the end of the pavement yelled her name out as soon as she got out and looked over the roof at the faces looking at them.

"Nico, I'm okay I swear. He helped me".

Nico Ramos, younger brother of Quinn Ramos, two of the most wanted smugglers in Toronto.

Well, if it wasn't Sam's lucky day.

"He helped you?" Nico swooped his eyes over to Sam and leered at him through his open window.

"Vega's saw me and they chased me, but he got me out. Just don't hurt him okay". Sophie said, Sam watching her walk around the back of the car in the rear view mirror.

"Vega? Sophie why are you even out? Quinn..."

"Don't tell him? Please?".

"Sophie!" Her name came out in a firm tone, her eyes widening as she looked across the lawn to see Quinn standing in the doorway of the house.

"Inside. I'll deal with you when I'm done here".

Sophie scrambled like dust in the wind, Sam opening his car door and stepping out even though he knew that he was playing with his life.

"Gringo likes little girls?" Quinn said before taking a really long drag of his cigarette, the red embers lighting up in the dark.

"Just the ones that need help". Sam said in a flat tone as Quinn stepped closer to his car and inspected it.

"Nice wheels, what I gotta do to get me one of these?".

"I dunno man" Sam tried to keep his cool, but it was hard when the other two goons moved a little closer too. "I don't know you" Sam added.

"Me? I'm Ramos". Quinn said staring Sam down, but Sam didn't fold, he kept hold of his poker face and stared back. "And I don't know you".

"I'm Sammy".

That comment made Quinn smile at Sam sadistically, like he knew something Sam didn't.

"Just Sammy?".

Sam's cover had no surname, well not one that he used anyway. Who would be intimidated by a guy with the surname Honeybourne?

So he didn't use it. Ever.

"Just Sammy" Sam said.

"No way! Sammy that took over Charise? You bounced Vega man". Quinn let the words tumble out in a jumble, but it wasn't anything that Sam didn't already know.

Vega was trying to move on Charise and supply to Johnny by bumping the supplier that Sam had bumped, but Johnny wasn't biting because Vega only offered him a ten percent cut, and Johnny was more than happy to cut his supplier off when Sam offered him fifteen.

Fifteen was his lucky number, so Sam was more than happy when Johnny accepted the offer.

"Hear you're moving more than any Gringo around here" Quinn stopped looking at Sam's car and paid him more attention. "Man like that deserves to expand".

And there it was, the words that would save the whole operation, and give Callaghan a bone to chew on.

Sam nodded politely before trying to bait Ramos more, he knew what they were involved in, he just needed to gain clarity on it. "Expand how exactly?".

"You know the restaurant on WestSide Drive, Gypsies? Meet you there at Seven tomorrow. I don't talk business at home man, this is where it stays away".

Sam huffed out a breath at that, Quinn Ramos a man with morals and family values? Yeah right, that wasn't in the game plan.

He knew the restaurant, Guns and Gangs had tried to tie it o the Ramos family but failed, there were no links, and no way to get someone inside.

"What makes you think I'm interested?" Sam said trying to feign bordem and attitude while his insides lit up with excitement.

Quinn looked between Sam's car and Sam before taking a step closer and sniffing Sam.

Like literally sniffing him.

"You like money man, think she'll stick around now that your supply has run dry?".

Quinn probably smelled Peck's perfume on him now, and it looked like it was hiding the cop smell pretty well, so Sam would have to thank her for having expensive taste in accessories.

"If you're there, you're there, if not, I'll find a partner" Quinn dropped the butt of his cigarette before walking away, everyone else still standing watching Sam until he drove off and was probably out of sight.

Sam knocked on the window, a scurry of activity inside making movements know by noise.

Callaghan opened the window and Sam slid in, a bemused look on his face.

This was new.

Sam usually called, but this warranted a visit in person.

"Seriously?" Callaghan asked crossing his arms as he leaned against the back of his couch.

"Yeah, I need more cash... And you need to pull Peck".

"Why?".

"Ramos and Vega" Sam couldn't resist the dimpled smile thrown Callaghan's way when his face flared with surprise.

"No".

That made Sam's smile disappear instantly.

"Absolutely not. This doesn't go any further in that direction are we clear?".

That was a shocker, Sam really thought that Callaghan would jump at the chance to get closer to two gangs that remained bulletproof and persecution free until now.

"No we aren't, care to explain?".

"We're working them from a different angle, we have someone in okay. You need to leave this one alone Swarek".

Sam knew then that Callaghan had someone on the inside that knew Sam.

"Who?".

"A UC".

Seriously? That's the answer he was tossing Sam?

"Who?"

"Andy okay, Andy's working Ramos from the inside".

"What? You get her out now".

Hearing that made Sam feel like his world had stopped turning. Ramos was one of the most dangerous men out walking the streets of Toronto freely, and Andy McNally was the cop working him? When no-one else ever got that close.

"No, look she's okay. We're looking at this from a different direction, she won't get made, she's just lining them up and getting intel".

"I don't care Callaghan, you pull her now or I walk away". Sam was adamant with that statement. He would walk out of Callaghan's front door right now, drive over to the barn, get a few willing people as backup and go pull Andy out himself if he had to.

"You won't, you want this as much as I do" Callaghan's statement was cold and collected.

He was daring Sam to prove otherwise.

"I want her out". Sam reinforced his sentiments.

"Look I get it okay, but she asked for this, and she's not working him from the restaurant or the carwash or him really".

"So what's she doing? How did she get in there then?" Sam tried to keep his voice from rising but it was hard to keep a handle on his temper right now.

"She's tutoring his kid sister".

Great, so now Andy was on their turf, in their neighbor hood and in the Ramos house, the most dangerous place for a cop to be and in uncharted territory.

"Look, all leads point to them as the mainline. If we cut it off there, the rest will fall. We think... We think one of the Ramos family wrote the list?".

"We?" Sam said not missing a beat.

"Cruz".

"Great" Sam mumbled before searching for the way out through the window.

...

Andy lay in bed watching shadows cross the ceiling as the night turned to early morning hours.

She had to get up and go to class soon, not that she really even felt like getting out of bed.

These days the smallest of noises woke her, the softest of whispers had her on edge. She had to be careful so anything out of the ordinary set her on alert.

Getting in was easy, staying alive now that she was inside was a whole new ballgame.

Luke had guys watching Sophia Ramos for a while, and Nick helped her set it up so that Sophia would notice her and reach out when the opportunity presented itself.

Sophia Ramos was sixteen going on seventeen and had been dealt a bad hand by being born into the wrong family. Guns and Gangs had been paying careful attention to her since she hit fourteen and then she became an unwilling pawn in their game. They suspected her of running large deposits of heroine and uncut cocaine, but they weren't sure. It was just stabbing in the dark.

Quinn Ramos was different from his father, and his younger brother, he had morals and had been really active in Sophia's life since their parents were gunned down and killed in an unsolved hit when Sophia was twelve. Since then Quinn had forced her to stay in school even though she probably didn't have too.

Sophia was never seen in the company of a male of any age outside of a few know close associates of the Ramos family, guys coming near her had resulted in a few broken bones in the past so she carried the stigma of 'stay away' heavily. She was a beautiful girl, bright and sparkly too, and she had a mouth like a snake, but she held no fear.

Andy saw it in her eyes the day that they set up the sting and Nick tried to grab her backpack before Andy came to her 'rescue'. Nick had dressed like a homeless guy and went for her backpack just like Luke had told him too, acting like he was slightly deranged helped, but it didn't phase Sophia at all. Or Sophie, as she proffered to be called that, Andy just kept forgetting.

That day, Andy had chased the homeless guy away and gotten Sophie her bag back, subtly exchanging their books and papers that ended up strewn all over the sidewalk. Andy had shuffled her college transfer papers and her dorm and class schedule into Sophie's paperwork before handing it to her and saying goodbye.

Later that night Quinn Ramos showed up at her dorm room to hand her papers back and check her out as well as ask for Sophie's report card back. He thought that she had been hiding it from him.

He had opened it in front of Andy before grabbing her transfer papers out of her hand and asking her if she wanted to earn extra cash.

Sophie was failing math and english, two of Andy's college majors so it work out perfectly.

She was now a college student (again) and tutoring Sophie three times a week where she got a chance to look around and take mental notes of faces coming and going at the Ramos house, or the restaurant they spent a whole lot of time at.

'Business' wasn't really a part of their homelife and Andy could tell that was how it would stay.

But being here, being someone else did little to calm Andy's longing or cover up the hurt that still swelled up inside her.

She had tried to leave it behind, but it tagged along anyway.

Andy had spent some time trying to distance herself from herself and how she felt, but no matter what she did, she still remembered that no matter what happened, no matter what Sam had done or hadn't done before or after she left, she quite frankly never deserved him in the first place.

*******Thanks for joining me at the bottom!**

**I have the feeling that Sam and Andy will be crossing paths soon, so see you with the next chapter! **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	12. Running Into Trouble

**Welcome back!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 & welcome to all the newbies!**

**Here's more...**

**Chapter 12- Running Into Trouble. **

"Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind?" Peck was yelling, a cold tint in her voice, but Sam wasn't paying attention.

He had briefed her on the new direction that they were heading in, and told her about Andy working the same route, UC, and she thought that the only reason that he had lost it was because he was screwing with the Mexican drug cartel.

These guys didn't just mainline the drug trade, they used mules and trafficked in human beings as well. Half the people they smuggled across the border died from carrying the drugs or they suffocated on exhaust fumes in hidden compartments of trucks or the just showed up dead on the American side of the border, dumped like discarded trash.

"Is this because Andy's UC? Or do you just have a death wish?" She added when she noticed Sam zoning out on her just as she took a right jab at him.

"Look, I know that you didn't sign on for this, you can backout at anytime. I know that you want to prove Steve innocent, but if we can cut the supply off at the top, then things will look better for Steve" Sam meant it, he knew that Peck was doing this because her brother was being investigated by Internal Affairs and Callaghan, they thought that he was one of the cops recruited by various Gang-bangers to keep them out of jail in return for various rewards.

There were a few names on a list that belonged to cops and guys from the Guns and Gangs squad, Steve Peck was one of those names.

"Look, Steve wouldn't do... Okay I don't know. I saw him at Charise that night, but that doesn't mean anything" Gail huffed it out. She was strict on keeping her family name all clean and polished while it looked like Steve was tarnishiung it beyond polish.

"This is our in, or my in, you don't need to tie yourself into this" Sam said sternly. She was really free to go.

"What happened to backup?" Peck challenged him, her hand deflecting one of his own jabs.

Taking another swipe at Sam's head, Peck nearly landed her punch as Sam spent another second zoning out on her.

This was a regular part of their routine, Sam would spar with her and give her a few pointers as well as a little bit of extra training when it came to hand- to- hand defense.

He kept her on her toes and spent time showing her how to defend herself more than she already knew how to; just in case she was ever in a position that would need it.

"The list is only names Sam, it doesn't mean anything for now" Peck countered, she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and she knew it.

Just as she was ready to make a futile attempt at throwing another punch, Sam's phone rang and she hit him squarely in the jaw making her let out a yelp and Sam taking a surprised step back before she mumbled a sorry and shook her hand. He lost concentration and let her plant one right on her mark.

"Yeah" Sam grumbled out as he answered Callaghan call.

"Number Seven just got capped".

The dial tone sounding in Sam's ear told him that there wasn't any more to say.

Peck went quiet, she knew from his face that the call had been about the list.

Leaving the spare room that they used to spar in, she went to get their copy of the list before returning and holding it out towards him.

"Your turn". Peck's voice held a slight shake, she knew that Callaghan only called with a number and a status. It could be anyone on that list, even one of the people they were close to.

Last time she had checked the number against the name, this time it was Sam's turn.

He took the paper, unfolded it and skipped down seven lines before letting out a relieved breath.

"Morris, Thirteen".

Sam saw her visibly relax when she heard the name. It wasn't one of their friends.

"So, it's a hit list" Peck murmured.

"We don't know that" Sam countered. Since the discovery of the list and the names that were on it, he refused to believe that it was a hit list.

"Sam come on, that's three. Four if you count Simon's kid from the hit and run".

"I know, but it doesn't make sense". Sam still hadn't quite figured the list out, but he just had a gut feeling that it wasn't a hit list. It had been in existence too long for that.

...

"This is so hard" Sophie whined staring at the page in front of her.

Math just wasn't her thing.

She wasn't someone that numbers made sense to, so it was harder than normal for her to grasp the basic concept of any equations.

"Let's take a break" Andy said and looked around the room.

Today they had Sophie's lesson at Gypsies, so Andy paid some attention to her surroundings. There hadn't been much to report on lately, even after eleven weeks she hardly had anything to pass to the homeless guy, Nick.

All she had heard about was the new asset that the Ramos family had acquired, a new partner that was a Caucasian male, mid thirty's and not afraid to use his gun.

The restaurant was fairly empty at this time of day on a Saturday, it was between lunch and dinner time so it was the best time to get some actual studying done.

"I'm gonna grab food, you want something?" Sophie said as she pushed her chair back and stood up.

Andy scowled at her use of 'gonna'. She was trying to break the habit of Sophie using the slang version of words like gonna, wanna, shoulda. But obviously it wasn't working.

"Sorry" Sophie blushed and Andy shook her head. She really wasn't hungry.

Sophie left and disappeared into the back, Andy pulling her textbook across the table and paging through it as a way of refreshing her memory for their next lesson.

The door opened, and Andy heard feet bustle in, but with her back to the door it was hard to see anything.

What she hadn't been expecting was someone to step up behind her and grab her by the hair...

...

Sam dropped Peck off at the club and headed for his meeting with Callaghan.

He called and set it up, but wouldn't say why over the phone.

The whole thing felt off, but Sam went anyway.

He met Callaghan at the marina, the surprising sight of Marlo with him making Sam squirm in his seat as he drove up.

Something was wrong if she was here.

Walking over to them Sam kept his worry off his face, they didn't need to see that he was feeling a little bit of stress.

"Swarek" Callaghan nodded his way when Sam stopped in front of them.

"Problems?" Sam just threw it out there and waited.

"I.A. Wants to move on Steve Peck and Shaw".

Ah, Marlo was chasing a promotion. She wanted her own piece of the pie that would secure her a better position in the force. She had always been blood thirsty.

"No".

"Sam, if he is in on it, and we card him it's his best defense right now"

"What? And hang a bullseye on his forehead? Shaw has a family" Doing that would make him a walking dead man. Steve Peck too. Just because Oliver's name was on that list too didn't make him a corrupt cop, but carding him would put his whole family at risk.

"Look, something's going down and soon, the Vega's are moving and there's a lot of activity. We think they're going to finish the names on that list" Marlo stated.

"I'm on that list, and so is half of Fifteen. Shaw is not in on any of it, neither are the McNally's or even Epstein okay. If you interfere now, they will know that we have a copy of the list, so leave it alone". Sam really had to hold on to his restraint to not yell that out.

"Too late Sam, they're moving on the list already". Marlo looked at Callaghan before looking back at him.

"What?"

"Someone tried to kill the Shaw's last night so they've been moved into protective custody. Jones from 4 was shot coming out of a store off duty last night. They're moving on that list Sam...".

...

After feeling fingers twine in her hair, Andy's head was shoved forwards and it hit the table and was held down there, her face pressed into the open textbook.

"Where is he?" A voice drooled in her ear, but Andy couldn't see a face so she had no idea who it was and who he wanted.

"Wh...". Andy saw movement out the corner of her eye and saw Sophie come around the corner. Sophie froze when she saw Andy and whoever was standing behind her, Andy's eyes closing when she realized that the guy thought she was Sophie. He didn't know what she looked like.

There were four waitresses and the middle aged barman in the front with her. In the back were the two kitchen hands, a cleaner and a runner, as well as Sophie.

That left Andy pretty much on her own right now because none of those people would be of any use to her right now.

Making the decision to go with what she had, Andy said the only thing she could think of and she said it really loudly so that everyone in this room would hear her, including Sophie who she prayed would run when she understood. "My Brother will kill you for this".

Andy felt her head get slammed into the table, her focus slipping for a second from the pain running through her cheek. When she opened her eyes, Sophie's face told her that she understood and she backed away slowly and silently until Andy couldn't see her anymore.

As Andy was about to let out a relieved breath, she heard a shuffle and then the chair under her gave way and she her knees hit the ground.

Whoever was holding her by the hair still had a firm hold on it, but let her head move back enough to slide off the textbook before it was rammed into the solid wood corner and blackness invoked her completely.

Sophie knew from Andy's words that the guys thought she was Sophie, but Sophie knew their markings even though she couldn't see their faces.

They were Vega and had come for her.

Slipping back into the kitchen she ran through it and went out the back door just as strong arms caught her and held on to her tightly.

She let out a scream before she was shaken lightly and heard her name from a familiar voice.

"Sophie, you okay?".

Sam looked at the kid, she was absolutely terrified.

He was stopping by to tell Quinn that he had need of a larger supply next week and wanted to negotiate the price. It was his way of trying to force them to make a mistake and slip up.

He avoided coming here anytime over weekends or after hours because he knew that there was a chance that he could run into Andy and if that happened there was no way that she would act normal.

"It's Vega, they're inside and they have Andy"

Hearing Sophie say that, Sam tried to take a moment to collect himself.

He tried to inhale a breath.

He tried to get his heart to beat.

But everything just shut down.

Sam let go of Sophie and reached into his pocket for his car keys. "Can you drive?"

Sophie nodded so Sam handed them over. He handed his phone over too, "Hit speed dial five, it's Quinn. Call him and tell him what happened. Go to Cherise, ask for Gail okay. She has to show you a purple butterfly on her wrist okay? You don't talk to anyone else got it?"

Sophie nodded as she took the items and watched Sam reach in under his jacket and pull his hand out holding his gun.

He knew that Quinn and the guys weren't here yet. If they were, Vega wouldn't be inside. Not unless they had a death wish.

"Go" Sam said shocking Sophie's attention back to his face.

Then she ran.

He heard his car start up as it echoed through the alley from the small side street he parked in, so she would leave and be okay.

Sam stepped inside cautiously, his gun pointing at the face of the chef as he was coming out. He looked wrapped up in fear.

"They're gone" the chef mumbled when he recognized Sam.

"The girl?" Sam didn't really care about keeping his cool right now, he just needed to know that Andy was okay before he slipped back out the door.

"They think she's Sophie, they took her".

Sam stared at the chef, his gun lowering in a defeated posture.

"They came for Sophie, and she told them she is Sophie".

Great.

Just like McNally would do.

"Car?" Sam asked holding his hand out. The chef nodded and handed his keys over. He was following Sophie out the back door and probably guessed that Sam had given her his car to get away in.

When Sam's hands returned from putting his gun back in the back of his pants he noticed the phone held out too.

"I'll tell Quinn you're looking for Vega yeah?" The chef asked.

"You tell Quinn I'm looking for the girl" Sam said then left in a race against time to find Andy before she turned up as a Jane Doe with a bullet in the back of her head when Vega realized that Andy wasn't Sophia Ramos.

*****seems Andy just can't stay out of trouble, and Sam can't help himself when it comes to helping her!**

**Have an awesome day! **

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	13. Information

**Hello & welcome back!**

**Thank you for all the amazing reviews! **

**See you at the end...**

**Chapter 13- Information. **

Andy woke with her body aching all over.

She had the mother of all headaches, and her ribs were on fire.

Her mouth still had the metallic taste of blood in it, memories forced to the surface as she recalled the last things that she could remember.

Her memory had huge gaps in it, but she recalled the beating she took. Those memories would forever stay burned into her brain.

Hearing what sounded like floorboards creaking, Andy opened her eyes and took her surroundings in.

She was in a dark room, laying on a bed and covered with a blanket. Her sore wrist had a support cast on it, the pain reminding her how godzilla had stomped on it when she tried to cover her face with her hands when she fell from the chair in the warehouse.

The room she was in now smelled like flowers, fabric softener assaulting her senses from the blankets pulled up to her chin.

The room looked homey and lived in?

There was a bottle of water next to the bed, Andy realizing that she was beyond thirsty when she saw it.

Shuffling to sit up, Andy reached out just as the door opened and she let out a scream that tore through the room.

The sound made an image flash through her mind, one where she remembered opening her eyes just for a second and seeing shoes rush into the room followed by gunshots and yelling.

The guy that had been standing in front of her demanding answers when she woke up in the warehouse lay on the floor in front of her with his eyes empty as blood seeped onto the cement next to his shaved head.

"Andy" her name drew her attention and she found her eyes opening to see a familiar face lurking in the doorway. "You're okay".

"Gail?".

Every ounce of her flooded with relief at knowing that she wasn't in danger anymore.

The knowledge also made her burst into tears.

"Hey, you're okay" Gail said coming closer, Andy wincing in pain as she sat the rest of the way up.

Gail wrapped her arms around Andy while she cried. She didn't blame her for the lapse in emotion, Andy had been through a pretty bad beating and wasn't even conscious when she was found.

Sam wanted to take her to the hospital but Gail had convinced him to bring her here instead. The hospital was too risky if anyone came looking for them.

"How did you find me?" Andy eventually asked.

"I didn't, but someone else did" Gail said avoiding eye contact. Andy still didn't know that Sam was alive, or that he had found her. He didn't want her to know anything yet.

"Oh..." Andy suddenly threw back the covers and made an attempt to find her feet even though everything screamed in pain and her face contorted.

"Andy, where are you going" Gail stood up when she saw Andy reach out awkwardly for her shoes on the floor in the corner.

"Sophie, I need to find her"

"She's okay. We have her"

That seemed to soothe Andy and she sat back down on the end of the bed and just gaped at Gail.

"How are you even here? And who is WE?".

And there it was, her need to know.

"I'll tell you everything, but you need to eat first okay. And shower. You've been here for three days" Gail dodged Andy's questions. She really didn't know if she was ready for she truth yet.

"Okay. Where are we?".

"A safehouse" Gail moved towards the door. She'd get Andy something to eat while she grabbed a shower. The bathroom was adjacent to the bedroom so Andy would find it easily enough. And Gail had left a pile of clothes on top of the dresser next to the bed, so she'd have everything she needed.

"I'll get you food while you shower okay?" Gail left Andy sitting on the bed as her mind raced away and she tried to make sense of what was happening.

"She okay?" Sam asked when Peck made it into the kitchen.

"She's awake" those two words made Sam's hand falter. He knew that now he would be forced to face her and tell her the truth because they were all in hiding and there was no way around it.

"Sam, really? You need to give her time to get used to the idea okay. It's not like you need to go up there right now and face her"

But he wanted to.

Right now.

"Just go... I dunno, do something?" Peck nodded towards the door telling him that she'd be okay if he would rather leave.

Sam shook his head, he was so done with the hiding and running.

"Ookkaayy" Peck said smiling.

Sam turned back to the stove and carried on with dinner. He and Peck took turns making meals. And tonight he was going to go with something that would hopefully make Andy remember him...

She had been here for three days, bordering unconsciousness but he wasn't at all surprised after the bad beating she'd taken.

He found her three hours after she'd been taken after nearly throwing Nico through a brick wall when he heard that Quinn was looking for him after word spread that Nico was changing sides and moving over to join Vega for a better offer than what his blood ties to his family were.

Sam didn't wait for backup, he went alone and lucky for him, Vega himself only had two goons with him at the warehouse, they didn't see Andy as much of a threat.

Sam walked right in through the front door and asked to be given the girl, when one of Vega's guys shot at him, he returned the favor and put a bullet in Vega's head when he punched Andy off the chair. He wounded the other two, but unfortunately they would both live.

He let Peck talk him into bringing Andy home, to his mothers house because she was afraid of word spreading about him and Andy so he drove to the hospital and sent her inside looking for Monica. When Monica came out she just about fell over when she saw Sam.

She ran off and returned with a gurney before slipping Andy in through the back door to the x-ray department.

After running the x-rays and giving Andy the once over Monica agreed to let Sam take her wherever they were going on condition that he'd call if she got any worse. Peck left her number so that Monica could call her and let her know how Andy's x-rays looked.

Twenty minutes later Sam carried Andy up to Sarah's room and set her down, Peck listening intently to Monica when she made that call.

Thankfully it wasn't too bad, although a fractured wrist and a cracked cheekbone weren't fun, bruised ribs were painful. Really painful.

There was the possibility of a concussion so Sam had to wake Andy up every hour, but there were no signs of internal damage or bleeding.

Sam spent those hours between waking her sitting and watching her while Peck kept his mother company and away from the bedroom.

Callaghan had been on the phone yelling at Sam for leaving the scene where three people had been shot and Peck's blue Yaris was seen driving away, well he had been until Sam explained that he left the scene with Andy in bad shape.

Callaghan had stopped moaning then and told Sam to email him a statement and that Peck didn't need to because she dropped Sophia off at Fifteen with a note explaining things before leaving to pick Sam and Andy up. He called and said that he needed her to pick him up so that he could leave the chefs car behind.

Sam had Peck call Sarah earlier pretending to be 'Sam's old partner who occasionally looked in on her mom' so that she could tell Sarah that his mother was lonely. He hated having to play the guilt card but it worked and Sarah had come to pick his mother up for a week. It was safer to have her gone.

Now, it was just the three of them laying low while Callaghan tried to cover some ground and find out what the hell was going on.

At nightfall Callaghan had called again and asked how Andy was, Sam feeling some relief at being able to tell him that she was awake and that Peck said she was lucid and okay. Callaghan had gone on to tell him that the Shaw family was back at home and that the guy that broke into their house was Izzy's boyfriend and not some hitman trying to kill them.

That kind of threw Sam for a loop, but it only added some minor relief that they weren't in any danger.

Callaghan had also told him that Vega's guys were looking for him and that they were desperate for revenge, while Quinn didn't say one single word during his interrogation after Callaghan ordered most of the Ramos family to be detained.

Nico was in hiding, but he'd called Sophia and asked where she was. She said she was at a friends after Callaghan told her to, so they were setting up a sting to arrest him.

Finishing dinner Sam looked up to find Peck still watching him from across the room. Her silence spoke volumes.

She was waiting, letting him figure out how he was going to show himself to Andy.

After her shower Andy went back to bed to sleep some more, her headache was making her empty stomach churn, but it was probably brought on by the three days of antibiotics that they'd been injecting her with after the first time she woke up and mumbled all sorts of nonsense.

Sam had been in the room then, but it didn't seem like she was really focused on much other than the fact that she was scared and confused.

"So...". Peck said when she saw that Sam had dished up for Andy and set the plate down on a tray with a glass of grapefruit juice and two advil's.

"Nope" Sam said deciding against letting Andy see him just yet.

She needed to get food into her system and hydrate herself and let her injuries start healing before he ripped the carpet out from under her feet.

"Sam, you need to do this". Peck put the tray down when he handed it to her.

"Not tonight" Sam backed away and checked his watch. He had to meet up with Callaghan and Marlo soon anyway.

"This is wrong Swarek" Peck called out in a hushed whisper just as his hand touched the front door.

Gail found Andy sitting up looking pale except for the super shiner she had covering her right eye and the purple welt that marred her cheek under that. "I've got dinner".

"Thanks" Andy said when Gail set the tray down beside her.

"Didn't know you liked grapefruit" Andy said reaching for the glass.

"I don't". Gail replied looking really smug. Maybe Sam wasn't as chicken as she thought. "Not mine" she added just to clear it up.

"We're not alone" she added when Andy had finished swallowing half the glass.

"Oh?" Andy waited, but Gail didn't say anymore. Instead she rambled on about the weather and stupid sitcom reruns while Andy ate.

Andy didn't eat much, her stomach had shriveled from lack of food, but what she did eat left her wondering how Gail knew that she would like strawberries and pineapple in her salad.

Gail could see the wheels turning, but Andy wasn't revealing much. She was thinking about Sam, Gail could tell, but she didn't want to risk looking stupid by saying something.

"How's Nick?" Gail suddenly blurted.

"He's uh, he's okay" Andy said. She'd seen Nick the day before she went to Gypsy's and ran into trouble. "He misses you".

"Do you ever miss Sam?".

Andy let out a cough that sounded more like a strangled sigh.

"Yeah... Sometimes".

She so totally wasn't over the whole Sam situation.

"But, you still hate him right?".

"What? No. I was so angry that night, and so ... Hurt. I never hated Sam, I just hated how life kinda happened to us you know".

"Life? He didn't move on Andy". Gail just went ahead and said what she was thinking, consequences be damned. It was only a matter of hours until Andy would run into Sam anyway, so why not make the inevitable more bearable?

"What?".

"Cruz. She's IA".

Andy hadn't been expecting that.

"IA?".

"Andy look, things aren't as you see them. Sam was setting up an operation just after you left, Cruz was just his cover for that. Steve's in trouble...".

She so completely lost Andy.

"Okay, let's try that again". Gail said taking a deep breath. "Sam was setting up a bust, a big one, involving some cops. Cruz is the IA part of that investigation, I'm another part of it. Steve, my brother is one of the cops being investigated okay, so I took the UC to find out if he's really a bad cop. Sam was Cruz's cover to get her into Fifteen, nothing happened I swear".

Andy was staring at Gail like she was speaking a foreign language.

"I just want you to know that. Because there's more, and when you're ready you'll know all of it". Gail patted Andy on the hand before standing up. "Get some sleep, I'm downstairs if you need anything".

Gail picked the tray up and left Andy to think her words over.

Sam walked in just as Gail stepped off the last step and stopped.

"We good?" She asked. She'd called in 'sick' and told Johnny that she was taking a few shifts off to help Sam with a few business errands, and he seemed okay about it. His first question had been if Sam would still be supplying the club seeing as some guys were out looking for him. She had informed him that they were holidaying in Mexico and all he said was 'bring me a souvenir when you come back'.

"We don't know" Sam said eyeing the staircase behind her.

"She's okay Sam. She's ready to see you".

Peck left him standing staring at fresh air after that.

*****hello & thanks for reading! **

**So who saw the Marlo IA cover thing coming? & who's still here?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	14. Scare

**As always, thanks for sticking with me!**

**Time for more so hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter 14 - Scare. **

Gail took a shower and checked on Andy who was fast sleep. She was about to crash on the couch when she found Sam already occupying it.

It was the first night that he wasn't next to Andy's bed keeping an eye on her even though she'd offered to let him sleep and said that she'd stay with Andy. He was fast asleep too, shoes and all from the sheer exhaustion he'd put himself through.

Gail stumbled up the stairs and flopped down on Sam's bed seeing as he was on hers before sleep claimed her too.

...

Gail was the first one up, she checked on Andy and found Sam still sleeping so she set out to make coffee.

She'd heard Sam checking on Andy numerous times during the night, his need to see her still breathing making him risk her seeing him. Gail guessed that somewhere in the back of his mind he was secretly hoping that Andy would catch him so that it would all be over.

She had a text from Callaghan saying that Nico was still missing so that meant more laying low, but that just might be the best thing for the Swarek/McNally saga right now.

Finding Sam still sleeping Gail headed upstairs and slipped into Andy's room.

The movement woke Andy up, a light jump visible.

"Hey, I didn't wake you did I?".

Yes, this is so going to happen Gail's mind screamed.

"Can I show you something? But you have to promise not to get mad okay?". Gail pulled Andy's blanket off her.

"Mad?".

"Yeah?" Okay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Okay?" Andy found her feet unsteadily making Gail regret opening her mouth.

"Come with me" Gail wrapped a hand around Andy and guided her downstairs before stopping behind the couch. She held her finger over her lips telling Andy to be quiet.

"Just remember, we're friends" Gail whispered and then walked around to the front of the couch. Andy was a few feet back, so she couldn't see Sam.

"Hey Sam" Gail yelled suddenly, really loudly, a mass of dark hair crossing into Andy's line of vision when he bolted upright.

"Aahh" Andy let out a muffled scream and took a step back, Sam's face turning to look at her. He let out a really heavy sigh, closed his eyes and flopped back down on the couch.

"S.s.m.m?" Andy couldn't even say his name.

She padded around the couch and jabbed a finger at him, his arm absorbing her finger and telling her that he was really there.

She pulled back, let out a sob and then Sam heard her feet carry her away.

That made him jump up, and nearly run Peck over as she stood looking at him really smugly.

"Andy...". Sam tried, and it worked. She stopped and turned to face him.

Seconds later, after blinking his eyes twice, Andy crossed the room and walked right at him before punching him in the face with her good wrist.

"Owwww" she growled out as she pulled her hand back and cradled her hand in the other awkwardly with her cast hindering free movement.

On instinct Sam reached out for her hand, but she pulled away. "Don't touch me" she bit it out between clenched teeth before roaring away, slamming a door in her path.

"I'm not sorry" Peck replied to his growl as he spun to face her and let it free.

She left him alone with that, his thoughts consuming him in a full state of awakeness.

Andy sat down on the end of the bed as her brain tried to absorb what she had just seen, and touched.

Sam was alive.

He was here.

A vague flash pulled through her mind from the warehouse. She hit the ground and heard the shots as pain seared through her entire body.

After a small amount of time had passed, Andy heard him say "I've got you McNally" before she was hoisted up and surrendered back to the darkness. He'd been there...

"Hi" Gail stammered from the doorway as she quietly re-shut the door after walking in.

Andy didn't say anything, just looked up at her with her heart on her sleeve.

"So, surprise". Gail took a seat next to Andy, silence following her sarcastic comment.

"You knew". Andy stated the fact, she wasn't asking for confirmation.

"After a while yes. After his funeral".

"And you didn't say anything" Andy sort of whined it out, a squeak in her tone.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't Andy. I'm sorry".

"Who else knows?".

"Just Callaghan and Cruz".

"And Sarah?" Andy immediately thought of Sam's sister and what she had to endure.

Gail shaking her head told her that even Sam's sister didn't know that he was really still alive.

"Why all of this? Why all the heartache if he's still alive?".

"Andy, Sam was really shot that day. He did nearly die, but he took the opportunity to set everything in motion to do this op". Gail said looking really honest in the moment.

"To do this op?" Andy echoed, her mind barely registering it.

"It's not what you think".

"Oh riiiggghhttt. Sam pretends to be dead and let's everyone believe it so he can do his job. Great". Andy hadn't intended on starting to cry, but she couldn't help it.

"Andy, Sam did it to keep everyone close to him alive. In his eyes, it was an even trade".

"It doesn't justify it Gail. Do you know what Oliver went through? What I went through? No, and it can never be taken back".

"I know, but Andy, Sam did what he thought was the right thing". Gail's eyes averted to the doorway, Sam hovering and looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. He somehow managed to open the door without either of them even noticing his appearance.

"Got a minute?" Sam spoke to Andy, but didn't look at her. He couldn't bring himself to make eye contact.

Gail stood up and looked between Sam and Andy before rolling her eyes.

"I'll be downstairs" Gail said and left them alone. Her look on the way out telling Sam to play nice.

"You okay?" Sam stepped into the room and closed the door.

"Am I okay? That's what you really want to say? Now?". Andy choked it out, her tone missing the cold she had tried so desperately to lock in her words.

"No, not really"

That made her head turn to face him, Andy's face revealing more than she could handle right now.

"I'm sorry okay, I didn't have a choice" Sam said it meaningfully.

"There is always a choice Sam, another option, another way out". That came out cold. And really detached.

"Not this time" Sam barely said it out loud.

Andy bit into her lip to keep her words from breaking free. It was probably something colder than before.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked when she stumbled to her feet and made an attempt to look for something.

"I'm leaving Sam".

"And going where? They're looking for you, and when they find you..."

"Who's looking for me?"

"Andy, just because I wasn't there, doesn't mean I don't know what you were working".

"So you were there, when I saw you?" Andy seemed to lose some of her fire when Sam nodded and looked down. His confirmation made her spark flare right back up a second later "You Jackass".

Her voice rose a tad, but it wasn't enough to be called yelling.

"Why did you do it? Why did you pretend to be dead and put everyone through that? Put me...". Andy cut the rest of her sentence off when she realized how selfish she sounded.

Sam didn't say anything, just whipped a piece of folded paper out of his back pocket and held it out to her.

"That's every reason. One-Tommy McNally, Five-Oliver shaw, Six- Noelle Williams, Eight- Steve Peck, Eleven- Jerry Barber, Nineteen- Andy McNally, Twenty- Dov Epstein, Twenty-two, Traci Nash". Sam suddenly stopped talking, his breaths becoming increasingly ragged as his jaw clenched when his lips ceased their movements.

"What?".

"It's a list. Four people related to that list are already dead, how many more...?".

Andy's hands quivered holding the tattered page.

"A hit list?" Andy said, her eyes grazing over it before looking back at Sam.

"We don't know". Sam sounded so... Unsure saying that.

Andy didn't unfold the paper, she held it out to Sam for him to take back because she didn't need to see who's names were on that list, Sam had already told her.

"It's sixty-eight names, from surrounding divisions" Sam added when he took the paper back and shoved it into his back pocket.

"So, you just decided to...". Andy whimpered out turning away from him to take a seat on the edge of the bed.

Her mind was still trying to grasp the concept of Sam really being alive.

Sam didn't follow, he kept the space between them.

"I did what I needed to".

Andy rolled her eyes and huffed out a sarcastic sigh. "Why you? Why like that Sam? With no regard for what it would do to anyone".

"Andy, I don't expect you to understand okay, but this... This is one cover that may end up the way it started".

Sam stood a little straighter and taller saying that, he wanted her to know and understand that it wasn't over yet, not by a long shot.

"This isn't over is it?" Andy could still read him like a book.

Sam rolled his lips together, shook his head and dropped his gaze. He took two small steps back and raised a hand to run it through his hair before he simply turned on his heel and walked away.

Both Sam and Gail left Andy alone after Gail brought her coffee. Gail was also oddly quiet and withdrawn, Andy figuring that it had something to do with the case.

Andy lay down, her head making a dent in the pillow while her mind surged over everything.

Sam was here, alive and she should feel better about it, should be happy and over the moon; but instead she felt way less than anything remotely close to ecstatic.

Andy's face and wrist and ribs still throbbed, the marks deepening in color to mar her skin in purple and black. She'd checked them in the mirror again earlier and they were worse than they had been when she first woke up. Maybe it was because her vision had stopped swimming, or maybe they were really bad. She wasn't quite sure.

But, thinking about it now in the silence, her injuries came nowhere close to her aching heart.

The dull thud it wore was worth more than cracked ribs, an aching wrist and a throbbing cheek bone.

******Thanks for reading!**

**Hope you'll leave a review?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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